Just as i was walking out, I saw T and her family walking around the farm i work at. They were going back to see the animals. immediately i turned around to go "talk" to the people that work outside. really i just wanted to be near T. After they came back around from seeing animals, i was standing with a few people. As she walked behind me i turned around to "see" who was walking behind me. She looked up and gave me a smile not showing teeth and a wave with all her fingers glued together. It was quick and that was it. Then she walked into the store with her fam to get ice cream. I went in the store and got ice cream for someone who was working outside, and i walked around the store for a few minutes pretending to make sure everything was in order before i left. Then as they left, i walked out and said goodbye to the people outside, and i happened to get in my car right as they were driving away. I followed them for about a half of a mile before they had to turn on a road and i was going straight.

I felt like going up to her and being like HI! (hug) Introduce me to your family! how are you? Let me show you around the farm! But no, I got a half smile and quick wave, barely even acknoweleged, and no goodbye. It hurts so bad. I feel like i know her enough that i could have hung out with her for a little, or at LEAST approach her. I know T's won't say hi unless you say hi first, but i've seen her at my work before and as soon as we make eye contact we both initiate a hello of some sort at the same time. and the one night i was working register by myself, she and her fam came in to get ice cream. she said hi as she passed by me, and then got ice cream and walked out. then, she BY HERSELF came back in and bought cookies and brought them to MY register. She made small talk like, "you get the good job tonight" (cause my register wasn't busy.) then she said, "have a nice weekend, ok?" with that look in her eye of stay safe. so that night she did talk to me one on one.

tonight i felt like i purposely followed her around. i would have followed her right into her car if i could have. I would have followed her down the road she turned on if i could have. but...that would be more like stalking.

I just wish we could have more of a relationship. Its the most intimate yet unreal relationship ive ever had. I can tell her I want to kill myself but i can't say more than hi outside the office? its messed up.

ugh, i'm so depressed.