I posted this on the substance abuse board, but since it ties in a lot with therapy, I'm posting here too.

Long story short (because I am not feeling very well right now, to put it mildly!), I have been taking SOMETHING to get through the day, every day, for a long time. Something not prescribed for me. It's been becoming more and more of a problem, and I finally realized that I have to stop.

The withdrawal sucks. I called and left a panicky message with T. I am so scared he is going to refer me. But I just have to be honest and own up to what I am doing.

I'm really scared. I know I have been using it as a form of self-medicating, but I think it's just backfiring on me. I've been in AA for a few years, and this is obviously not the AA way to live. Or any way to live.

So, it's 5:20 and I've almost made it through day one. I am definitely, DEFINITELY going to get the xanax prescription this week that my T has been wanting me to get for a while. The xanax just calms me down - doesn't give me that "buzzed" feeling that I've been riding on.

It's a scary thing. I feel like "I don't have time to deal with this" because my kids need me, and my friends need me- a lot of people need me. I guess it had just got to that crappy "bottom" it had to get to so I could stop.

I am really, really scared. I asked T to call me back and just leave me a message, and I know he will when he gets my message, but he checks them infrequently on the weekend.

I'm scared because I know that this will probably make T more, instead of less, intense for a while.

I feel ashamed, and embarrased, and stupid, and scared, and a whole list of other bad things.

Blah.