First off, I would like to know how you were able to post my thoughts. I really could have written this entire post myself. Thank you for having the courage to express our thoughts in writing.

As for your question...I don't know as if I do anything special. When I start feeling like I am going in that direction, I try to change what I am doing...i.e. go for a walk, watch tv, sing a song, anything that makes me think of somehting else. I have been down so many times though it is obvious that does not work all the time. Sometimes I don't see it coming on at all. That is when I usually slip into "the pit" head first. My first reaction is to call my Counselor now. When I first started on this wonderful roller coaster, I couldn't even pick up a phone, but I can at least call him now. He can usually talk me into thinking about something else, unfortunately that doesn't always work. That's usually when I head for the hospital. When I am thinking this way, I can't stay home and I know that. It is really hard for me to go to the hospital, but I know that if I were to stay home, the temptations to end my pain would be so easy.
I have never actually attempted, rather threatened a lot. I think the worst I have ever been, is when I was curled up in the fetal position on the ER floor, refusing to talk to anybody. After I got on the gurney, I layed there for a while and I swear my shadow separated away from my finger that was pretending to write my thoughts on the sheet. Since then, I have tried to copy that same motion, and my shadow always follows my finger.

Seeing as we are in sort of the same boat, please feel free to ask anything.

love to you
brenda