Well... I feel the need to post here right now.

Tomorrow would have been our 25th wedding anniversary and I'm ok, just blue and feeling mighty down and no real energy to do anything. I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow after work.

I feel that I've hit a brick wall. I'll never really be truly happy again. My ex lied to me for a very long time, and using some pretty cruel and unusual methods. I am glad not to be living with him any longer and yet I still miss the person he once was. Is this strange or what? He led a duplicitous life for a few years, so he's not the person he once was.

I'm just getting through each day right now. No real happiness, no real sadness. I just am. I don't feel much right now except emptiness. I'm alone a lot of the time, although I try to make certain I do go out. But that too doesn't work all of the time... I will tend to blow off something if I'm not up to it, or if I do go out, I can't seem to really enjoy myself yet.

I haven't learned yet to really laugh again or to smile again. People tell me I have a "bubbly" personality when they meet me. But I can't maintain that image for long. It's really hard for me to do. I used to be very outgoing and happy with myself. Now, after all of this, I feel as one of the best things I was is long gone.