**Trigger icon applied for a single mention of suicide-- it is not the basis for the content of this post**

Since my dad passed away, I feel as though my life has been separated into two parts-- Part I is before he died, Part II is after.

In regards to how this plays into my therapy-- anything we were working on during Part I doesn't even matter anymore because it has been completely taken over by the thing that caused Part II to happen.

In regards to my relationships-- I don't want anyone besides my dad. I feel like pushing people away and saying, "Ok, but you're not my dad." This includes T. I don't know what I want from him.

I have a crappy session time, which is Wednesdays at 10 am. Not only it this before school, but it is the time in which road construction occurs because it is no longer rush hour. For the past two weeks, I have been quite late to session because of lane closures on a bridge. Last week there was also a closure which caused a two lane highway to be reduced to one lane, so only one lane could move by at a time. I was 30-minutes late. I cannot even see him twice per week anymore.

He has been very gracious with the whole "call or write anytime" thing. He always has been, but he has made this especially known since my father's passing. Last week's session sucked. I don't remember what the **** happened, but I know I didn't feel any connection. I do remember the very end. I asked him if the session was over-- I couldn't tell if we had gone 15 minutes over, or if he was going to give 15 extra minutes. He said that it was over and I said, "So this is it." He asked, "What is?" I said, "This. That's it." I said good-bye and walked out. About a half-hour later, I got a call from him. He said that he realized what I meant by "So this is it" (my feelings of disconnection, unhappiness with my new therapy time, disbelief of what life is like without my dad etc.) He told me that he was also calling because he never got a chance to tell me I could call or write whenever I want-- and he said that even though I knew I could, he just wanted to make sure he told me. He went on to talk about wanting to do EMDR next week.

So the next day I called him. I couldn't go to work because a lot of the grief that I had been stuffing down was all coming out (in addition to the passing of my father, I lost one of my clients to suicide two weeks ago). I woke up in a fit of anxiety because of a nightmare about my parents. I left T a message and he called back later that day. By the time he called back, I was already sorry that I had left the message because I didn't have anything to say. How many times can I call him and cry about the same thing that he can't do anything about? So anyway, he calls back and he was relatively quiet during the phone call. I remember that I began to cry as I spoke about my feelings of grief. He told me I could call him or email him anytime, but that he had to go because he had someone waiting.

Since that call, I haven't felt like contacting him at all. On Friday, a situation happened where in the past, I wouldn't have hesitated to call him (I got pulled over for having an expired inspection sticker and the cop found out that my registration was expired by a month and a half so he had my car towed and just left me there while I was supposed to be at a mandatory function for doctoral school). Then again, the fact that I didn't call him is also a positive thing. I asserted my independence and self-sufficiency. I re-registered my car and took a couple of buses to get me to school. I found my own way home at the end of the day, had H drive me to the traffic court, and got my car back. I did all of this because when I was standing in the street after my car was taken away, I thought of my dad. He was the most practical and logical person that I ever knew. He would always tell me that if you stand there crying, the problem isn't going to get solved. He would tell me that it is okay to be upset, but you have stop, think, and take the steps to solve the problem.

I miss my dad so much. I don't know what to work on in therapy anymore. My grief is inconsolable. I hate going before school. I feel like I have to censor myself so that I won't start the day off feeling like ****.

I used to want so much from T. At this time, I don't even feel a transference for him, of any kind. I just want to tell him, "You are not my dad, so I don't want anything from you."