I have been very quiet here lately, as I know everyone has seen. I have been thinking and worrying and stressing.

Trying to get used to new meds and deal with my son's tension of me leaving on Tues. I have been packing my things and it is bothering me tremendously.

My husband, as usual, is worried about his cigs and gasoline when I leave - so I've had that garbage to listen to at the same time.

Then I discovered that my laptop computer, which I am bringing with me, will not work with a dial-up modem. We have cable modem here and it runs perfectly with that. I had someone look at it and he thinks that the modem got hit during a storm or something. There is a separate bay area on the side for a plug-in extra modem, so I think I have one that I can borrow for awhile.

The thought of not being online to send notes and cards to my son, pay the bills so I'm not late, and access this site, has depressed me quite severely the last few days. I can't afford a new modem at this time, esp since I'm leaving with no money on me at all.

Course, my husband told me to "bounce a check".........there's intelligence for you. [sigh]. That is for his benefit of course, not mine.

If after Tues. you don't see me around, you will all know why.....and being alone, I will go insane slowly but surely. I won't be home for sure until a week from Tues..........such a long time.

My apologies to my T, but the grate is coming off my hole. I won't do anything, but I want the darkness surrounding me so I feel calmer.

I'm terrified that I will fail at this job....and look like a complete idiot. I can't afford to ruin it by being hyper. I am so unstable at the moment, that it scares me. Right now the inner me is running things and that is the worst possible thing to happen.

Tomorrow is my last day with my son......and I have two doc appts: one with my back surgeon so he can follow-up on it and take xrays, then I go see my T.........after the way I felt leaving there last time, like he's trying to get rid of me by manuevering me into group, it won't be a good session. Plus I'll have my husband and Alex with me as well - Alex is fine, but...............................

Tues. morning will be hard on both of us - knowing that when he leaves for school, I won't see him again for quite some time. If I can just slide into my comfortable hole for awhile, I might be able to pull it together. My meds are making me on edge again, although I did get some Lorazepam to take when it is too bad.

I am such a wreck...........lol.

Mary Alice