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Sep 29, 2008, 09:02 AM
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Quote:
Sweetie I don't understand. What is this post all about? I do not understand it because I'm not as familiar with your story as most people here may be.
I know the addict stuff is real because I know. But all the nightmares and all. I don't get it.
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(((( Pixies ))))
Nine years ago my mother had her left lung removed and a 1/4 of her right lung due to cancer. We were told she was at a high risk for recurrence within five years. Well, she was able to stretch that out another four years but it has come back.
She was recently hospitalized and while we were there, they rushed a woman in who was fighting for her life. The "sounds" that she was making as she strugled for air caused me to have a flashback to something that happened thirty-something years ago.
That earlier time is reflected in the essay I posted, Please-Oh-Please. I did a lot of that type of writing when I first started T, so that T could understand what type of childhood I had. It was/is easier for me to write about these slices of my life than to verbalize them.
When the gasping woman came into the room, the sound flashed me back to the time I woke up to hear my brother making that same sound as he overdosed for the first time on heroin. (He and another brother eventually died. Both heroin related.)
I had always "remembered" the sound, but in a distant way without a real connection. Sort of like you would recount a scary movie, thinking you described your emotions until you saw the movie again, and realized it was scarier than anything you remembered.
The night in the hospital allowed me to connect that "scary sound" with the physical reactions. The combination validated that the terror I felt then was real and justified. This was HUGE for me. This is something I haven't been able to do. Each part of a memory has always been remembered and experienced separately. To get a complete blend of it, well, I'm still reeling.
The nightmare was just an example of the type of dreams I used to have. Kittens were always being tortured and I was always afraid they would die, and in some nightmares they did.
I now know the kittens represented me.
I hope this makes better sense. 
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