sj, I'm sorry that you're feeling the downside of a cycle right now. I too have bipolar illness (I don't seem to like the wrod disorder) and I know that the depression can be overwhelming. I'm going to offer up some advise that was given to me by a very dear friend on this site (friend... I really hope that you don't mind). The key to learning to live with these cycles is in a few ideas that all work together. First of all, I've found that the harder I struggle at one end, the more severe the backlash. So hard as it may be, try not to struggle. Part of the not struggling is the realization that "You are depressed and you're ok. You will be okay. You know that this passes." What I mean is that with bipolar illness, the depression will pass and it's not going to hurt you if you don't let it. When you are able to acknowledge this statement, then you give the depression so much less power over you. You can also try to find things that relax you and help to dull the sharpness of this double edged sword. What I try to do is this... you mentioned that you would like to hide from your fears and pain. I have fears and pain too aside from the illness. Well, don't deal with them right now. You sound like you're not in the right mind frame. There's a time for everything and if you try to deal with these things before you're ready to or when you don't feel up to it, then you're only feeding the depression. Instead of dwelling in the pit, try to remember that it will pass. When I'm in the pit, I've recently learned that there are things I can do to ease the pain... not remove it, but ease it. You could try calling a friend or relative you haven't spoken with for a while. That way you're sure to have plenty things to talk about. You could put in a movie that you live and curl up on the couch with a nice pillow and blanket. Maybe you could listen to your favorite cd. Anything to help you ease the pain. Kind of like a distraction. I hope that some of this helps and that you feel better soon. Take good care of yourself.

Ry