i hope you will find a way through your pain moonkin, you are trying.. i spent the longest time in depression, it was a slow ascent for me... now i can look back and see that the lowest lows only represented one end of the spectrum... on its opposite side is the highest high.. for me it has been a process of slowing and eventually stopping the roller coaster effects.... peace is central for me... peace can be acquired by calming fears and doubts... peace does not imply silly and pretend happiness.. peace promises a release from dis-satisfaction... from a point of peace one can choose either descending or ascending points, as well as what distance one may choose to travel in either direction.. inner peace gives us the method and the process we need to reach any chosen destination for ourselves...