Mention of SI

What to do with all of this anger I have right now...

So I had a session at 11:30 today. No, not my normal time but they gave away my 7pm slot to someone else. This after I thought I had 7pm booked but hey...don't expect anything from my T...

At the beginning of the session, T tells me his contractor may call and he may need to pop out of the office for a minute. Okay, he told me fine. Well, at one point, we are in the middle of a tough moment for me.

I was recounting a prior suicidal moment that I had never told him about. I had planned to talk about this today and was nervous about it when he said he might have to step out. Should've listened to the instincts.

Right in the middle of my sentence talking about this SI moment....the cell rings and out the door he goes!!!!!

He just left me there, just as my dad did years ago....all alone. I was shocked to say the least. He came back, no apology and said "you were saying"...

I told him the rest and then was quiet....just stared at him said nothing....he ended and I left. I was seething, absolutely seething. An hour later, I called and cancelled my Wed spot this week. I have never done that but I just couldn't believe he did this to me.

I left him a message telling him exactly why I was cancelling, I didn't just covertly cancel. I wasn't nice but didn't yell....

He called around 6pm tonight which was a huge shock, he never does that. he defensively says "so apparently you are upset with me"....I said are you kidding me? I tell you about an SI moment and you leave, turn your back on me and now your being defensive?

I said well maybe that was the reaction you wanted from me then. He did apologize but didn't sound sincere at all. At one point he said sometimes I ask my patients for a favor, like his needing to step out, and now he knows that it will never ever be okay with me. So he knows now for future sessions.

I have accommodated him many times, I found this so appalling. I started crying and said well this is nice, turn it around on me. He was pretty cold on the phone. I couldn't say much, I was too shocked.

He said he's never gotten the reaction from me like he did today just stepping out for a minute. He doesn't get it. He said Wed was cancelled like I wanted and I asked for it back. There is no way this is the last word...

I realize I am not easy but good lord...I am his toughest patient? Really? This is the first time in almost three years that I even called to cancel a session.....almost three years!!!!!!!!

He's moved mine plenty...just feels like I can't have any feelings about what his does or doesn't do....he once said he loves me unconditionally....I beg to differ on that one.

Am I wrong here? Mid sentence, sensitive subject....he bolts....but its my fault?????????