I have slipped back into the depths of depression.
Into the firery pit of hell.
I can't get out of bed.
My thoughts are racing and I can't think clearly.
Fleeting thoughts of giving up, taking my life,
that im ugly and worthless,
are rearing their ugly heads in my tormented mind.
Im not opening my mind, spending hours in bed alone in darkness.
Hiding away from the world, the truth and what is real.
Im ashamed of my addictions, but im popping sedatives,
So as not to feel, to sleep all day and night,
and block out the hell inside my head.
I am low and sad and miserable.
My life is a joke, and no ones laughing.
I want to fall asleep and never wake up.
But im scared. Im scared of dying...
Im scared of my thoughts...im scared of my illness.
Am i really suicidal...do i really want to die??
Am I rational or sick?
Is is depression or truth? sickness of health??
Is my mind playing games?...teasing me with death...
Is depression seducing me into its arms of hell..?
It frightens me...
I want to live...
I want to be happy...
I want to be free...
I want to die...
Id never take my life...if well...
am I sick sick sick....
I want to abandon all my strategies for wellness,
and just hide inside my room and cry.
Its taking all my strength to open my eyes...
I want to escape my mind for a while...
I want to shoot love up my veins...
But I can't...Im clean...
Im hurting, open and exposed,
I want to self medicate...
Why can't you all just abandon me??
So im no longer selfish...
Abandon me like I know you will...
Leave me stranded, the feeling i know to well.
Im jelous people leave my rotting soul...
Im jelous their is no man to love and cherish me...
Im jelous im lonely and sad...
I crave being loved...
Im too nice...ever heard of that...
dumped for being overly nice and caring...
what a &^%$%^& irony that is...
Im angry.
Im sad..
Im lonely.
I would have changed...
But NO...im not good enough....
I need to get well,,
But dying seems easier...

Why the FFFFF am i thinking like this...
I know me...
where am i...
lost withing myself...
my sould...struggling to keep afloat...
the rotting river of hell my mind has become..

I have dreams...
depression is robbing my precious mind..of all my hopes..

I want help
im sick

Im a girl...desperate for help...desparate to be happy...desparate to live...
a girl..who won't give up...