I am worried..about myself...im not too well...im kinda sick...im pretty depressed....low low low...

but i put up this wonderful amazing front and smile and laugh and talk...and then i go home and hide in bed and can't cope to open my eyes...im sick..i cry all night...im living a lie....

Because whenever i ask friends for help or tell them im sick...they leave...they all leave in the end...coz i think they want to help me..and the feeling of being helped is too amazing for me not to take take take..coz it feels so good to be loved...so i take too much...and i pay for it very badly..because no matter all i will do..no matter how nice i am..i am not worth the effort..the bad outways the good...and that kills me inside...

anyway to get to the poin of my post...i am coming off methadone...fast...everyone thinks im amazing....they think im so strong...im getting so many admirations and it feels good...

Im comng off it well..in terms of physically...im not feeling it...

but emotionally im a wreck....

im racing against time...

coz i know that when im finally off it im gonna go out and be seduced by the lover which is HHHHHHHH and let it infiltrate my body as my blood pumps through my veins....and its gonna be amazing,,.a love affair..with my best friend....who will never leave me...NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE...

i said it...

ive failed before i've even got there...

im so ashamed...

but i can't get it out of my mind,,

just once..just one time...

but isn't that what they all say...

i don't want to do it...

but im afraid im not going to be able to stop myself...