To ALL SURVIVORS OF ABUSE: an update.. on me...

I am DID..

I hurt.. SO... badly......pain.. my emotional pain... can be.. phsyically felt..

Recently.. 6 dormant alters made their... presence known.... it led to some very hurtful actions on my part in my IRL.. and I am very glad to be safe at this time...I am thankful.. that I was not physically hurt...

My T... said... because of "shock and grief"... that I have been feeling - or rather "blocking" from feeling.. the alters got triggered...

And.. their pain... the abuse that they went thru while married to my ex-husband... would... probably.. make the toughest of tough cry...

The present abusive "man".. is out of my life... and.. I am ok.. that is what counts...

My 6 alters.. have just begun.. to talk to the T.. as of today... I see him daily.. right now..

All.. of my life.. I have been "judged, tried and convicted" for my actions...

and why???? I am DID.... I did choose to become DID.... it is true.. the alternative.. would have most likely.. been my death as a child...

I am happy... to be DID... I am bright.. I am sweet...I am kind.. I am giving.. I am a person.. I am a human being...

Yet... people.. ask me... even fellow survivors.. "how could you go to an abuser - you don't deserve that..... survivors do not deserve that"..and are even offended.. that I would do this...or be very offended that I would say.. "I deserve this...treatment... the abuse..."

All of the above is true... offending people.. it is what I do....because people.. sometimes really do not "get" DID.. and what it is like to live... like this... and.. fellow DIDers... get offended.. because.. "they" are not "like" me..

so.. where do I belong... "No Where Land"......is what I call it.....

Yet... being severely DID - sometimes.. when I am under.. extreme.. extreme duress... as I have been lately - my "past"... gets mixed... with my "present".. and "I" the host... am not in control....

so.... my actions are very confusing to people.. and I do understand that..

My T... asks me "can you help it?"... and the very truthful answer is.. "no"... if I could.. I wouldn't do.. some of the things I do...

So... my heart is very, very heavy tonight... I am feeling the grief.. that I have been trying not to feel..

And I am trying to deal with knowing.. just a fraction.. of what abuse happened in my marriage..and.. knowing... is.. horrible...

And.. I am also dealing.. with being called "damaged for life"...

so.... heartbreak.... it..just "is"...

so... do I say.. "sorry".... for "who I am".... no... I can't...

I did not choose to be abused.... I did choose to become DID.. to cope.. with the terrible. ... terrible abuse....

life... is always a better choice then death...

respectfully, freewill..