(((((((((((((((pinksoil)))))))))))))))))
It would be very difficult for me to lose my father or mother. Even though I am not close with my parents, I love them anyway. A lot of the feelings you describe as experiencing seem like the same surrealistic mechanical motions that I went through when I've lost people I loved. You have a LOT going on in your life outside of dealing with losing your father, and losing the patient to suicide would be really just icing on the cake.

At least grief is predictable and therefore, we know it will end (thankfully). I've been so grief-stricken before that I didn't give a damn about anything or anyone else, because nothing could bring them back or reverse time. It all felt futile... but eventually, and I don't know when or how long--I was able to laugh again and enjoy things again. Nothing ever really fills the void that is left--but I am thankful for that. I like the feeling I get when I think about my loved one, and that they can't be replaced just like that. I feel special for being allowed to know them and be their friend. Your T cannot take away the pain of losing your father. The disconnectedness is normal when you are experiencing a period of grief, and there isn't anything that you or your T is doing wrong, even though it might feel like it.

The gift they gave me, and that your father gave you, was to leave a piece of themselves, like an imprint of who they were--etched into our very being. I know part of what they knew, and I am a part of them as much as they are still a part of me. I pass that onto the world wherever I go. If I had to choose between the grief that I felt because I lost a loved one and all that it entails, or going about my existence without ever having met them, then I would choose the grief over not knowing them. I miss their physical presence, their laugh, their voice, their smell--and it makes me have a twinge of sadness every now and then. However, the sadness doesn't stay with me anymore. All I remember is how great they were as a person, and I do what they want me to do---laugh, be kind to others, and enjoy life as best as I can. All the petty things they did that annoyed me doesn't matter anymore and it's not what I remember.

I would tell your T what you said here about not feeling connected and explore those feelings and see where it leads. Talking with your mother is probably helpful, and I'm sure it is probably that way with your sister too. It helped me to talk to friends who also knew my loved one because I didn't have to explain what I missed about him and we all had an instant understanding with each other. You will probably find this hard to believe, but the sadness will not overtake you. Be good to yourself.