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Okay I'm going to weigh in here, because AngelGirl, I'm a LOT like you. And I'm hoping I can offer you some helpful information from my own experience.

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Ok, deep breath, I'm gonna try to address everything you've written. You've really put a lot of thought and effort into your response so I hope my reply gives it at least some sort of justice and that I don't disappoint you with whatever I may say. I'm replying with no pre-conceived thoughts but my reply will be well thought out with giving your words much contemplation. I know in my first reading of it, you hit home a lot and you had my heart racing while going through it. Crossing fingers I get through this ok.

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I kept thinking as I read this thread that a WHOLE lot of energy is being expended to help you, but it's not sinking in for YOU. And that is hard for everyone, probably most of all YOU. I know how that goes, as I have recently been confronted by my therapist about the fact that she gives and gives, and loves and loves, and I take none of it in. She told me that I ask her to rescue me and then I won't let her rescue me. And she told me no matter how much she wants to, she can't love someone into recovery.

It hurts a LOT to be faced with that reality. I'm going to tell you straight up that my response to that new info was more of the same: "Ouch! That hurts! She thinks I'm not trying!" So I defended myself and told her how hard I was trying. "She thinks I don't appreciate her help! She is going to leave me! I am a terrible person! I want to cut myself as punishment." I apologized to her, and she said basically that she wasn't asking me to be sorry, but instead to PUT TO USE the caring that she's giving me.

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Ok, I have to admit my T has said very similiar things to me, as well as, I'm my own worst enemy. I've also had the exact same response as you, minus the 'cutting'.

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Now AG, chances are that as you have read what I've written, you are already feeling at least a little insecure about yourself, and maybe somewhat defensive. You might be preparing to apologize for "screwing up" before I even say that you have, because you expect that I'm going to illustrate to you that you have. If you are already experiencing a negative emotional reaction, please do your best to calm down, NOT attack yourself, and remember that I have felt the same way and would never criticize you for your sensitivity. Okay hon?

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Oh, you know me so well. My initial response is to think that I'm being attacked, I so often am, I let myself be vulnerable by being so outspoken with what I'm going through or how I'm feeling. With that I do become defensive, my heart starts to race at this point, I become completely overwhelmed, I feel light-headed and I'm just waiting for that one comment that's going to make me 'lose it'. My sensitivity would be in 'high gear' at this point but I'm holding it together and trusting you, not an easy thing for me to do. I don't trust easily. In fact, I rarely trust, I'm usually burned when I do, when I least expect it. But I'm gonna put myself out on a limb here and see how this all unfolds.

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This is the realization that I came to. My pattern is to get triggered and then go into crisis. Okay let me pause to address the conflict between gg and Tomi on this point. Both agree (I think) that you feel the way you feel. So, AG when you and I feel triggered and hurt and self-critical and hopeless, and overwhelmed (you can finish the list no doubt, there is much more to it), we feel the way we feel. Period. As my T says, feelings are not good or bad, they just ARE. And then you deal with them.

THERE is the hard part. And then you deal with them. HOW do you deal with the feelings? It's so hard! I am famous for telling t "It hurts, hurts, hurts." Oh gosh does it hurt. I hear you, girl. This is where the incredibly hard task of putting to use what positive others have given you.

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Still with you and 100 percent agreeing.

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Your friends at this site have offered you some advice, all very well-meaning. Maybe not all of it is useful in your situation. I understand that. But at least some of their advice will help you if you think very seriously about it AND if you APPLY IT. (Checkpoint here with you, AG. I am not attacking or accusing you for not having applied it. I'm not suggesting that you are bad or have failed or need to apologize. I'm just noticing that this seems to be where you run into troubles, and because I'm working on the same thing, I understand very much. Believe me). Now, if you're like me in this way, too, then you at this point you may be thinking "I TRIED to apply it. I don't know what I did wrong. HOW do I apply it?" Well I'll tell you what I can see here:

-Pat told you that she learned that she has a tendency to think she is the center of everyone's universe. By that, Pat was not trying to say that she is egotistical or self-important. She was illustrating that in her experience, she often thinks that people are more actively thinking about her (good or bad thoughts) than they probably are. The thing is, ALL of us spend a large majority of our time thinking about one thing and one thing only- that would be ourselves. (ae: How do I feel? What do I think? What do others think of me? What do I think of others?, etc). I think Pat's attempt here (and several others was to get to you:[*]Think about the tendency that we ALL have to ask "does this person's comment apply to me? and if so, how?" [*]Realize that there is a good chance that viewing someone's post in this light may influence the way you perceive it[*]Evaluate whether or not it is POSSIBLE that this person was NOT referring to you personally and specifically in their comments.

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Still with ya. I know the harder stuff is still to come.

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Now, AG, in my personal opinion you may have already done that. I'm not sure, but you have repeatedly told us here that you have reasons to believe it's about you. Since you haven't offered us anything to work with there, we can't directly help you to evaluate that information.

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Bingo, we're now at the hard part. Do you know which post I was referring to?

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This leaves our hands a little tied. I see two possibilities at this point: (1) The person's post is NOT about you, but your own self-perceptions (ae: thinking about yourself whatever negative thing you believe THEY are thinking about you, or thinking that others are trying to attack you passively) OR (2) This person's post is indeed about you.

If (1) is true:
------------------------------------------------------------------Then your focus in dealing with your feelings would begin with analyzing your reaction to this.

What has it triggered? (ae: maybe the feelings of an abused / abandoned / neglected / hurting child?? or maybe feelings from many years past of being criticized / rejected / attacked / misunderstood?)

Only you can identify the true source of the feelings. Sometimes that information is readily available to you because the current situation makes you think about past situations.

Other times, you may have to dig a little deeper. I find it helpful to ask within myself, "What other experiences in my life does this feel similar to? Does this person, in this moment, remind me of someone who has hurt me? If so, who? And how did they hurt me? What am I afraid of right now?" This can take a lot of work. (Stay with me here, I know this is long, but there is more and it's important)

Once you have identified some possible sources of your intense feelings, you STILL ACCEPT that your feelings are your feelings and not "good" or "bad". BUT now that you understand that your feelings are based on more than the present situation. At this point, you work with those feelings. You counter them by stepping one emotional foot OUT of the past and into the present. You step back and then you anchor yourself to the present situation/reality WHILE exploring the feelings of the past. This is NOT easy, but it IS VERY VERY VERY worth learning to do.

My therapist put it very bluntly "Show me the data, Angela". When I do this, I stop and say "Okay, yes I am feeling like I was attacked (or whatever), and I do have a reason for feeling this way. However, in this current situation I am not being attacked." And then you just sort of reason along those lines, using information from your specific situation.

It might sound harsh, but you just have to tell yourself "This not reality-based. What I am feeling is PAST feelings. I am not perceiving the current situation as it really is." And then you may need to talk to someone about the past feelings. Someone who understands and cares and listens.
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Ok, I've never thought about it from that point of view before but I can see how this can happen and probably has in this particular thread in at least one of my responses.

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If (2) is accurate, and the person WAS referring to you and WAS being negative about you:
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Well, ouch! Of course you are hurt! It hurts when people say mean things about us. So in this case, dealing with your feelings means that you have to deal with the reality that someone said something bad about you. HOW do you deal with it?

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In the case of the post I'm referring to as the subject of this thread, I DO believe it is about me and I have valid reasons for that. I really don't understand why nobody else can see those reasons themselves. I think some are blatantly obvious.

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-Well if you're like most of us, you probably think WHY did this person say this? You've got to come up with an explanation to make sense of what is happening to you. We humans are big on this. So you'll think things like: Is it true? What does this mean to me? How do I feel about it? What can I do about it? Well let's walk through those things, shall we?

Is it true?
<font color="red">If it is true: </font> Well it probably hurts mainly because it's something you are already critical with yourself about, right? Maybe this person "pushed your button" by saying something that is true that you don't want to face. If so, what? If there is something about yourself that you don't like, and this person has pointed it out to you, you can either continue to hurt over it, deny it, shove it down, apologize over it but do nothing, or figure out how to fix it.
<font color="red"> If it isn't true: </font> Why does it affect you, what does it mean to you, and what can you do?
-It could be that this negative message, while UNTRUE, is something someone else has said to you before and is really striking a nerve. Or maybe it's something you fear is true about yourself, but really isn't.
-You are likely to feel like you need to defend yourself to the person who made the comment. Well, if they are simply misunderstanding you and are likely to understand if you explain the truth about you, then maybe it's worth talking it out with them. IF they are not like to be convinced, then it probably isn't worth defending yourself to them.
-Turn to *positive* others in your life for feedback. They can tell you "hey, that person is out of line. You're not really like that". When they DO tell you this, try to focus on the fact that the people who are important to you do know the truth about you.
-Realize that even though this person has said something bad about you, it may not be reality-based. Everyone's perceptions are colored by our own experiences. It may be this person's own hang-up. If that's the case, you're not likely to change their opinion and they are not likely to recognize that they have unfairly judged you based on their OWN issue. IF you think this is a generally reasonable person open to feedback, you might approach them about this. But most people are not open enough to handle that. It's probably best (for your own sake) to just write off the rude comment, and if necessary, the person altogether who made the comment. AND- refer back to other *positive* people in your life for reassurance.
-When others DO give you reassurance, internalize it! Believe them! Remember that those kind of people are the kind that are important to you anyway. It really is not worth the effort it takes to hurt and hurt over one person's rude remark. Keep working on discounting what that person said AND reinforcing the TRUTH as others have told it to you, and as you know it within yourself.
-If by chance your *positive* others agree with the statement, you may need to re-evaluate yourself and see if maybe there is some useful constructive feedback for you. That doesnt' justify the original person putting it in a mean or judgmental way. You can still write them off, but you can consider their insults as feedback and figure out how to change what needs to be changed (if anything). This does not mean you owe it to the original person who hurt you. It just means that in spite of the fact that they are being hurtful to you (which is NOT okay), you CAN learn somethings from what they said. The basic idea is to take what is helpful throw out the rest.
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I'm going out on a limb here and assuming that everyone who has read and commented on this thread knows EXACTLY what post I'm referring to. If they do indeed know the exact post I'm referring to, then each and every one of them have made the same comment, that it is NOT about me. I don't recall what any of them have said to 'who' it is about but they are ALL in agreement that it is not about me. I stick my feet firmly in the ground and will not budge. That comment is DEFINITELY about me. I'd like to hear why it is not. Do they even know to 'what' that poster is talking about that they can make that claim? I *really* don't want to bring that post into this thread as that person has not engaged in this thread and I don't even know if that person knows were discussing their post. I don't even know for a fact that we're all even thinking of that post as I have not been specific for privacy of that poster. I regret even saying what forum it was in. I tried to go back and edit it out but I was past the time limit for doing so. I really feel uncomfortable picking apart somebody's post with a bunch of other people on an open forum. I know I would certainly be triggered if I found a group of people were to do that about me. And if that poster were to enter this discussion, I would highly doubt for them to admit it was about me anyway. The poster would want to cover their ***. There was more than one component to that post. There were statements made and opinions given about the statements ane me. The statement was also coupled with an additional comment. So in this particular case, it seems to fit outside the realm of your choices, I think, which are all very good ones and I will be printing out your post for future reference in helping me, with hopes that I won't let my emotions get the best of me and lash out in defence anyway.

So, to try to analyze the post.

1. The first two statements are true. I don't argue that.
2. The first comment that was coupled with one of the forementioned statements is FALSE. This person has no idea what has transpired since the situation to which they are referring.
3. Then we have an opinion. Ok, it's an opinion, it bugs the crap out of me. It's hurtful. It's hurtful because it is putting me down for what I did before on another thread. This person obviously disagreed with my actions. That's not new to me, it was said at the time that I did it.
4. Then we have a snide remark. Totally pisses me off.
5. Next is a comment/opinion. Very hurtful towards me. I interpret a lot into that one sentence alone.
6. The remainder of the post doesn't refer to me at all and I have no problem with it.

Soooooooo, what do I do with that mess? I didn't get any support in this thread about it. What I got was everybody telling me it was not about me. I also got no acknowledgement of my feelings being hurt, that I recall, without looking back at the entire thread. Validation of my feelings is VERY important to me, whether or not you agree with what I'm saying. The two things are independent of each other. There are 2 separate issues to be addressed: my feelings and whether the post was referring to me. Yes, they did support me by saying as you did, to concentrate on the good that is said to me and ignore the bad. But THAT is what I have a hard time doing. I don't know how to ignore something when it hurt my feelings. I did make some progress by not responding to the post and I have no intentions of ever speaking to that person about their post. That is improvement for me. Normally, I would 'react' in a negative way. This time I stopped, thought and then acted, or in this case didn't act at all, except to start this thread in a different forum without being specific to which post I was referring to. Now even though each person who has participated in this thread feels that the post is not about me, they for some reason found no problem in hunting down which particular post it was.

I'd like to hear more input taking into account my comments. Somehow, I feel I am failing miserably with replying your response because I can't seem to fit it into the categories that you've laid out. I can however fit other situations into your guidelines but am having a real problem with doing it with this particular post. Maybe cuz it wasn't said directly to me? I'm not sure. I just feel strongly that I'm disappointing you and everybody/anybody else who may be waiting for my reply to you. I'm REALLY sorry.

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Over time, it is necessary to put the reassurance and caring of those who are supporting you to good use.

Use their positive input as a model or guideline to teach you how to soothe yourself. You can accept their advice and their comforting AND THEN, take it in and learn to repeat their advice and comforting inside your own mind and heart over and over and over again until you are stable on your own.

Nobody will every be perfect at this, but you CAN improve. And you CAN lean on those who care from time to time to remind you how to self-soothe, reason things out, and cope.

I can't emphasize enough how important it is to keep repeating the positive and reality-based messages to yourself again and again and again. That is the key in bringing them in and USING them.

I hope I've said at least one or two helpful things here in this forever-long post. It's probably the only useful post I have made in the past two weeks because I have not had the energy, motivation, or focus to respond to any others. I have put a lot of work into this, so I hope you will put a lot of thought into processing what I have shared.

Best of luck to you,
Angela

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I have read very very carefully and I think I have learned some things and hopefully it's going to help me in my future reading and posting. One thing that you've pointed out to me is thinking about relating it to something in my past. That never occured to me before but I think I can see how I've done that in this very thread in one of my negative responses that was hurtful. As I already said, I feel like a huge failure in my response. It is obvious how much time, effort and thought you have put into your post. My reply fails astronomically in comparison. That doesn't mean that you failed in getting through to me, I guess what it means is that I don't quite know how to apply it given the post that I am referring to in this thread, and as I said, I feel *extremely* uneasy about talking about somebody else's post on a public forum, whether that person knows about it or not. It's just not a good place to put somebody in and in hindsight, I should never have started this thread and done that to begin with, and for that I'm deeply sorry. I may not like what this person said but I couldn't see beyond my own hurt feelings at the time to think it through well enough to see what impact a thread like this could have. So, I may not have commented to the original poster but this discussing their post like this is probably much, much worse. I know I would not want this done to me. I know as a highly sensitive person how it would make me feel and that's not very good to put it mildly. I feel really bad about whatever impact this thread is having. This is clearly another example of when I should've sat on my hands and not done anything whatsoever. So, this thread in itself makes one of her comments that was previously false, now true but in a slightly different way. I think I post entirely way too much. Not so sure why I'm so talkative on here because I'm really an extremely shy person IRL. SERIOUSLY!!!

Anyway Angela, thank you for spending so much time in composing your extremely thoughtful, insightful and empathatic response to my imfamous thread (or one of my imfamous threads). I really appreciate you joining in on the 'conversation'. Not sure what you should call it really. Again, my apologizes for my reply to you not even coming remotely close to yours in comparison. Do know though that I have read every single word several times SLOWLY, learned from it and I will print this baby out after I hit the submit. I guess that THIS reply might go over one page in length since I quoted your response within it. Let's see what happens.