Quote:
Originally Posted by earthmama
I posted this on the substance abuse board, but since it ties in a lot with therapy, I'm posting here too.
Long story short (because I am not feeling very well right now, to put it mildly!), I have been taking SOMETHING to get through the day, every day, for a long time. Something not prescribed for me. It's been becoming more and more of a problem, and I finally realized that I have to stop.
The withdrawal sucks. I called and left a panicky message with T. I am so scared he is going to refer me. But I just have to be honest and own up to what I am doing.
I'm really scared. I know I have been using it as a form of self-medicating, but I think it's just backfiring on me. I've been in AA for a few years, and this is obviously not the AA way to live. Or any way to live.
So, it's 5:20 and I've almost made it through day one. I am definitely, DEFINITELY going to get the xanax prescription this week that my T has been wanting me to get for a while. The xanax just calms me down - doesn't give me that "buzzed" feeling that I've been riding on.
It's a scary thing. I feel like "I don't have time to deal with this" because my kids need me, and my friends need me- a lot of people need me. I guess it had just got to that crappy "bottom" it had to get to so I could stop.
I am really, really scared. I asked T to call me back and just leave me a message, and I know he will when he gets my message, but he checks them infrequently on the weekend.
I'm scared because I know that this will probably make T more, instead of less, intense for a while.
I feel ashamed, and embarrased, and stupid, and scared, and a whole list of other bad things.
Blah.
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(((((((((((((((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))))))))))))
Damn EM, you have more chutzpah than most people I know.
I don't think you have very much to be afraid of by outing yourself--the fear is more related to letting yourself down and afraid that other people think less of you and reject you for admitting that you have a problem and need help. The reality is that the people you love, care about, and respect-- the people that really matter---will not think anything less of you; especially your T. I don't think it will make therapy super intense like it has been at times in the past either (other than the difficulty in the actual first step of committing to telling your T in session), and in fact it might even make therapy somewhat easier if you can think with a clear head and really deal with the emotions that you were trying to avoid with the self-medication.
Relapses are very common, and more the rule than the exception in recovering addicts. AA of all the places in the world should be an accepting place, and should respect you for having the guts that so many people lack. I think you can get through this, but don't go it alone. Your T is fabulous, and the perfect person to deal with this problem with. The only caution I would give you now--just because I don't want anything adverse to happen by mixing Xanax or any other medication with whatever substance you are talking about here, and also because I don't want one addiction to lead to another addiction in place of the old one-- is that you please find a way to be open with your physician about your self-medication. If it were me, I wouldn't trust myself with the Xanax or anything else for that matter for quite some time, and I'm not so sure that Xanax is going to be ultimately helpful to you in this matter anyway. Your T recommended it when he didn't know about your self-medication, so discuss it with him first.
(((em))) I have so much respect for you for being so open. Someday I'll find a way to be more open about myself like you have been here with us. You are helping other people by being open with us, and I'm glad you are here. You are irreplaceable. Please be good to yourself.