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You said before that I have twisted your words. I didn't get an explanation to how I did that. Am I the one who you feel 'put words in your mouth'? Are we talking about the same thing as when you say that I twisted your words?

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Hi Angelgirl -- thanks for all of your responses -- to my and to the other posts in this thread. I hope it's helpful. You seem to be really reading our replies very carefully, so it's nice to know that it's not falling on deaf ears.

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Thanks for noticing that I *am* reading what everybody is saying, including yours. I have to say that nobody's responses to me have ever fallen on deaf ears but I can see how when I respond negatively, they would come across as such. It becomes more obvious to the receipient of my replies when I STA. I always knew I was reading each word and weighing in on it but I can see now how it didn't appear to others that I was, hence; the frustration that you and others would feel when communicating with me. I can see how this way has some definite benefits.

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I sometimes feel bad, like we're pouncing on you, because strangely enough I don't even always see you as someone with self-esteem issues because when you reply to other people's cries for help, you give such great advice that I always expect that you are super self-confident yourself.

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To be perfectly honest, it feels quite often like I'm being pounced on and I've had others convey that to me in PM that watch in silence. I don't really think that's how it's meant to come across though. I think y'all are just frustrated with me and trying to help me.

Girl, I have absolutely no, zilch, nada, void, nil self-confidence and self-esteem. Even my therapist would agree with that. Thanks for your compliment about giving good advice to others. Another thing my T says is I need to start taking my own advice. I know she's right. I'm such a hard sell but you already know that. She also tells me, I'm my own worst enemy. Also true. Even if I'm really depressed, unless I'm scraping the floor of the abyss, I'm still able to reach out to others and offer them comfort and hopefully give them advice that is hopefully worth something. I'm glad I'm able to do this, I know everybody can't and there are times that I simply can't either, but for the most part I'm able to do it. This is why I get upset, frustrated and angry when somebody calls me self-centered. If I am, then I'm in denial because I don't see myself that way. I always try to look out for how the other person is feeling and put that ahead of myself. I've always done that. Something else my T is on my case about because I'll do that to my own detriment, meaning I'll do what will be better for the other person to not be hurt at the expense of my own emotional health. I went through that a few months ago IRL and the situation almost landed me in the hospital, just trying to avoid saying something to someone that I felt would be hurting them. I can't live with the fact of hurting someone. I avoided telling this girl something for weeks. My mental/emotional health suffered greatly. I completely shutdown. My family got expremely concerned on how it was affecting me and pleaded with me to tell this girl what we all knew was inevitable. It was killing me. That's the lengths I have gone to to avoid hurting someone. That's not to say that I have never hurt anyone because I know I have several times but NEVER on purpose but unfortunately I seem to have a real knack for it regardless. Afterwards, it eats at me and eats at me and eats at me. There are some situations I've yet to let go of how badly in inadvertantly hurt someone and a fair amount of time has passed. I don't think I ever forgive myself. But I think I really digressed, didn't I? Sorry! Not sure how that happened. But to bring us back to what I think we were talking about, yes I do offer comfort and advice but behind it is absolutely no self-esteem or self-confidence. Don't ask me how that works, I have no idea. Also, as I said, I've yet to take my own advice.

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But about the words... I was specifically talking about when you said "you'll probably all applaud if I leave and back out of this thread" (or something along those lines). It wasn't that you were putting words into MY mouth specifically; it just hurt me that we were trying really hard and then you said you wanted to stop participating.

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Ok, I remember that response I made and I remember why I made it. To be honest I was hurt, I was really hurt. For several posts before it was a discussion between a few of you, maybe two of you, I really don't remember who and how many, that part wasn't important to me. It was the discussion that I 'reacted' to. This is where I'm going to attempt to apply Angela's guidelines. Now, I haven't printed them out yet so I'm winging it here so bear with my fumbling, errors and ommissions.

What I read was a discussion amongst some of you on how/what was the best way to get through to me. Different methods were evaluated, some obviously by the comments made, previously discussed and discarded priorly somewhere else? That being maybe a thread to get people who liked me to respond so I would see how many people on this site actually do like me or something to that degree, but it had already been felt that lack of replies would be interpreted by me as proof of my feelings that I have very few friends here? That was my interpretation of that part of the discussion. Then followed your response of different things, including therapy to what would most likely be more advisable. Don't remember what you said, the contents of your response weren't specifically what triggered me.

So, here we are, what triggered me? I saw this discussion on what are we going to do with her(me). First thought that comes to my mind is that I'm useless, a bother, an inconvenience, a burden. This is how I feel with my family. That's how I feel they see me. In my family's situation, they can never rely on me for anything because they never know where my cycles are going to have me, will I be depressed, angry, bouncing off the walls? I can never plan anything. I've so often backed out of family things because I was too depressed or too sick from my meds or my moods. It's a 'sore spot' with my family. I don't think they ever trust if I'll join in anything. I got asked on Friday by my mother if I was actually going to show up for Easter dinner with the family on Saturday. So that makes me feel useless, a problem, inconvenient, a burden, the list of negatives is endless. BTW, I did go. So, when reading the conversation here, I was picturing the same thing. Here I am once again. I'm feeling the same way as I do with my family.

Sooooooooo, with going with Angela's guidelines, I was bringing my past into the present. So, I should've thought about what about that discussion was making me feel the way I was. In this case; my family. I then should've taken one foot out of my past and put it in the present. Then taken the other foot and brought it into the present and re-evaluated the discussion here and see what was it really? It was a bunch of friends, who are concerned for me, trying to find a way to help me. I shouldn't have thought of my negative feelings by comparing it to how I feel with my family, which is why I reacted the way I did by saying I was bowing out of the conversation as the all applauded. When I said that, I was removing the problem, ME, from the situation here, so y'all wouldn't have to be burdened, inconvenienced, etc, etc, etc with me. Also, another thing that triggered me about it was that it was a conversation 'about' me between a few people as if *I* was not going to be able to read it. Something like talking about somebody in their presence but ignoring the fact that they're standing right there. Like hello?? I'm here, don't you see me reading this!!! Instead I needed to look at that conversation as for what it truly was, concerned friends trying to help me and responded according to that, which should've been a positive response from me instead of the 'fight or flight' response that you got instead. I'll bet you didn't know there was so much stuff going through my head that was totally unrelated to this thread, did ya? Angela was right.

So, to you and to everyone else in this thread who I've frustrated to the point of almost tearing your hair out, I did say almost I'm sorry. I shouldn't have replied with my 'fight or flight' response that I use a lot, most often 'flight'. I should've thought things through more thoroughly and analyzed what was happening strictly from what was happening here and not bringing into it any other part of my life. I know that response must've compounded the frustration y'all had and you probably just threw your hands up in the air at that point. Well, I can see your still in this thread with me and I thank you for that, I know it's not been easy at all for you. It looks like most have bailed on me. I'm hurt, really hurt about that but I don't blame them I guess. How much crap can you put up with from someone who appears, I did say appears, to not want the help. I wish I had had Angela's guidelines a long time ago. I hope the next time, I can actually put it into action BEFORE I reply by reacting instead of STA.

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Anyway, you probably are even tired of us focusing on you like this. If so, please let me know and we can talk about something else. I do promise to be here for you for however long I remain on this board (and if the next two years are anything like the last two, then I'll be here a long time!).

Hugs,
LMo

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It's ok, it does seem like most of us have the wind cut out of our sails at this point eh? I've noticed since you posted this that you've said you're taking a break. I hope I had no part in your reason for needing one. The coincidence of the timing of the two posts leads me to think I do but I have no evidence of such. You said in your other thread it wasn't about anybody in particular. I wish you would stay but I understand if you need a break. I'm really sorry if my hard head has had any part of your decision.