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IN session on monday, I got talking about how I didn't want to talk about anger with T..... and what happens? I get talking about anger.... I told her that she is putting the anger into me...of course I know that isn't true, but perhaps at times like that when I am so near to touching something inside of me that is scary, the final thing to cling to is denial of ownership .... then as I talked and I felt that horrible feeling rise up inside of me...suddenly words I hadn't planned to speak started to come out...I said I dont want to talk about anger becuase its like a magican pulling a hankiechief out of a hat and it goes on and on and never ends...and then I said how I am not going to reconnect with T fully again because I am not going to be left empty like during the breaks...and then suddenly a visual of the only photo I have off my birth mother popped up into my mind and I knew that I have to keep talking...I can't sit with the secrets...I am far enought along in therapy now to know what has to be done...and I carried on talking and said as a child how I was always looking for clues....always searching and even now I search the internet for clues but not sure what Im searching for, just always looking, looking and then the tears and then I said, I can't believe I will never, ever, ever see her.... and ever, ever is a long time...just like that hankiechief a magicial pulls out...I guesss as small child thinking and feeeling kidnaps things from what goes on in a small childs live...a long time was equivlant to that one magican trick...and its been repeating itself within me all these yrs...adn I cried and I realised this is what someone would be saying if they had just lost someone close, that they will never, ever see them again, and that ever, ever goes on for..well...for ever...but I didnt have words as a child and I'd never seen the person I'd never see again and no one asked me how it felt for me and I'd had to hide this grief from my adoptive mother and then suddenly I saw the photo of my birth mother and T and they seperated...I said this to T, I said oh ****, its like I just exorcised you from my birht mother...and I knew then why the breaks trigger me so...in my psyche...in my unresolved grief I was seeing T wtih my eyes, but my birth mother with my unconsious...we sat quite for a while after this....and I think thsi was the most clearest example for me of how in therapy we make our T's into the people in our past that we hold unresolved stuff with...I said to T I use to have to hide my feelings from my adoptive mother...I use to have to pretend i didn't ever want my birth mother and I would shut the door on her if she ever come looking for me...aged 5 your survival depends on this...and I hid the giref and pain from her and from myself and its been sitting like a ghost on my shoulder ever since...the relief I felt finally being able t speak the words I felt all these yrs...that YES I WOULD LOVE SO BADLY TO SEE MY MUM, T said would it have helped you if you had been able to see her? I said. we're never know now...and saying that was to me the first step of my own acceptence...I've been stuck in the denial stage of grief for so many yrs.....I think life maybe just that little bit more eaisier now....
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Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach
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