i thought opening up was a good thing. this thing had bothered me for weeks:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=74975

last night i told him i saw the beginning of that e-mail. and it turned out that she actually meant, "don't forget the fun we had when we met". he said he was confused himself when he first read it, and had to ask a friend of his (who speaks japanese quite fluently) what it meant.

ok. that is a good thing.

i also told him that i'm convinced that when he's on the computer he's talking to some asian beauty, and when he has enough money he'll leave me for her.

then he said he thinks there are beautiful women from white to black.

he didn't say that he's not gonna leave me. he didn't say that i'm beautiful. i need constant reassuring and still i don't believe.

ok - he has said i'm beautiful. but he was on drugs and when he had said it he started laughing.



this made me feel even worse. now i'm going to feel bad every time i see a beautiful woman because i´ll know he'll think she's beautiful.

i'm not.

anyone who's more beautiful than me will be better for him. heck, even that girl we met at one rave, who was wearing a speedcore shirt like him - i thought she should be with him rather than me - though she wasn't very attractive - severe acne, masculine face... but she knew his music, she appreciated it (though i do too - but i think she did in a very different way, she appreciated it much more than me). she would have been much better for him than me.

i'm not enough for him. i'm sometimes very mean to him - i think that's because of the PTSD. the abuse. i want to be with him, i want to trust him, i want everything possible but i can't....

-slumps back in chair-

i feel so broken..

twilight (she never stops complaining huh?)