Thank you MC, EM and Sannah

My next appointment is tomorrow and I'm freaking out. Of course I could go in there and talk about something completely different but this would be like the elephant in the room. It has gotten so intense, we need to resolve it.

Maybe the answer lies in the fact that I tell T he doesn't seem real. He is removed (sometimes too much). He is of the blank face school. But, still he is supportive and understanding. When I read how some of your Ts hold your hands and give you hugs, I wish my T was like that. However, I think those are longings from the past that T cannot fulfill, so it's OK.

I tell him that he doesn't seem real because he is removed, he has this blank face so it's hard to accept him and his caring. It's like it has an expiration date. Like any day soon, it's going to be over and he is going to start acting like my abuser. For some reason, I cannot really believe that his concern from me is real. Does he care about me? Is it just because I pay him?

Or maybe I bring my abuser in the room because I want T to exorcise him from me. Or me, I bring him in because I want a different outcome. Who knows.

I did tell T, he knows what is going on. I imagine it must not be easy for him either.

I just read a post Mouse posted similar to mine and it helps to read about other people going through the same thing.

Thanks everyone (((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))