You know, I have been involved with T in a psychoanalytical relationship for two years now. It is as thrilling, and as rocky as any relationship I've ever been in, including that with my parents or my H.

I have been working hard to sort out the most recent rupture which has, like the others, passed. --and by the way, why does it feel like I am the only one [okay Soli, except you] who has these (seemingly] HUGE ruptures--

and....I feel like I am chasing my tail again. When he goes away (the vacation) I retreat within. Then I go into a freefall--a depression crash that--quite frankly--scares the crap out of me. Is it him or me I can't find?

I SO NEED HIM during these times but it feels like my neediness rejects him and makes him pull away. All of a sudden, when I am in a crash he becomes Mr. Super Clinical T With Many Rules. Phone call rules, self care rules, blah blah blah. Who is this guy? We totally miss one another--and I don't mean longing I mean we do NOT connect during these times.

But when times are relaxed, we are like two old friends connecting on an awesomely intimate level. NO PROBLEMS HERE!

THEN I read about others whose T's hold hands, hug, etc. WE DONT TOUCH.
And I am jealous.

Of course, I think he knows it wouldn't be good for my therapy and I think I know it too, but I want it anyway. In fact, if he approached me I would probly have a heart attack. It's my complex ptsd. LOL

In some ways I feel like I need more from him. I need HIM to be more WITH ME during our session tomorrow. I need HIM to not shy away from my depression. Yeah, he can pull me out but he can only do that if he is with me and not telling me from the sidelines to get out of it.

Good heavens, I think he is the best. Last week when I was so depressed he even suggested I go BOWLING--LOLOLOL. Yeah, I guess he really was desparate and he was simply reciting the litany of things I needed to do to connect with people but really--bowling? Little did he know but when I was a teen I was in a bowling league.

I was also coloring this week in session and commented that my picture looked more like a jellyfish than the silkscreen hanging I was trying to copy. Naturally I opened myself up to the following" Maybe you feel more like a jellyfish than a flower today." ??????

Anyhow, I'm thinking that I need more intimacy--he needs to be with me more and in order for me to get what I need--then I need to risk more, don't I?

I needed a hell of a lot more from my mother than I got, connection, love all of that but most of all I needed her to validate the hell she left me in when she was working. I was not safe. But I always just blocked that out--disssociated that need so I wouldn't feel it.

Arrrghhhh