I've had a rough time of it the past few weeks, but I thought that maybe I might be getting it back together, or that at least I would once I saw my therapist again.

But then this weekend, I got sick. Just a really bad cold, not horrible exactly, but bad enough that I would stay home if I didn't have exams and labs that I can't miss. And it was just that one more thing, you know? Like, I was just starting to think that maybe I was going to be ok, and then there was something else. In the midst of this, my boyfriend said something like "just try to be happy"... and I blew up at him, something along the lines of "What the hell? Did you think I hadn't thought of that? It's been four years, do you not get yet that it's not that easy?" I know, really awful of me. That led to a big fight that didn't really get resolved... basically my boyfriend thinks I'm not trying anymore to get better, so he's pissed.

But anyhow, that was my frame of mind going into my session with Colleen (therapist) this morning, and as you might have guessed, it didn't go well. I guess I expected sympathy, or at least some reassurance that I'd get through this, or something. But essentially, she agreed with my boyfriend. In only slightly gentler terms. Apparently I'd be just fine if I just TRIED HARDER. Because apparently I want to be like this.

I know where they're coming from... I have been losing hope, I have been wanting to give up. But couldn't they cut me a little slack? That's kind of part of depression... not having hope. I mean, they can push me to have hope/try harder, but they--or at least my boyfriend--- are ANGRY at me for feeling this way. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE ****. I DON'T WANT TO NOT HAVE HOPE. I'm not doing this to prove a point or to make anyone else miserable.

But anyhow, this afternoon I called my boyfriend and told him Colleen was on his side, and that I was really upset and didn't know what to do, but somehow I managed to turn this into a fight. And, long story short, he wants to break up with me now. Apparently, not only am I not trying to get better now, I've NEVER tried... I've always just sat around waiting for the magic pill, I've never put in any effort myself. Ever. Not once. In my entire life.

And I have begged him not to leave enough that he's decided he's just "thinking about it" instead of doing it tonight, but I think I've finally driven him away for good, and he just said that so I'd stop calling.

And this is the worst possible week for this to happen. I still have 2 exams to get through. I have an exam monday and a rough draft of a major paper due next thursday. I'm supposed to be going to a wedding WITH MY BOYFRIEND next weekend. I paid for his plane ticket ($230!) and my entire family thinks he's coming.

help.