(((((AG)))))

I know the continual thoughts of suicide can be to much to bare at times. I went through a long period of time where I wanted to give up and give in. It was all to painful. I often thought that there was nothing more for me here on earth but heartache, dispair, and torment. I can not express to you how much this consumed my life. I had always been afraid of death, in every sense. I had never thought of taking my life before because it scared me until about 5 months ago. For a few months, this was all I could think about. How would I end it. I was the scariest thing I had ever experienced and still scares me to this day.
I always looked at my childrens faces and thought, how would they be in life if I was not here with them. It broke my heart that I even thought about doing something that would obviously devistate them. That made things worse for me, depression wise.
I had to really search with in myself to find out why I was feeling this way so often and what can I do about it. It wasnt easy. I had to search with in myself to find what I totally despised and hated with in me and tried to change it. (I'm still using this technique) It doesnt happen overnight. I hate to look at my self in the mirror because I hate what stares back at me. I knew this is something that I needed to work on so I would sit on the sink for long periods of time and forse myself to spit out positive things that I liked about me. I would right in my journal about positive things that I had accomplished. Even the smallest of things I would write about. I still look at myself in the mirror and my first instinct is to judge, and to point out the negative. It's all in the pattern of thinking. I think all of us who suffer from depression are in the mind set that everything we do is wrong or bad and we condition ourselves to look only at the negativity. When you think about it, no wonder its hard to think positive about ourselves if all we see is the bad. Everyday, think about how fat I am or how much of a bad wife that I am because I cant have sex with my husband on a more regular basis. It's not that I am not attracted to him. It's because I'm not attracted to myself. I must work on that. Things are better then they were but I dont think my work will every be "done". Its something I think I will struggle with for my whole life.
Sometimes I think my depression started in my teenage years with all the drugs and partying I did that I never stopped and got to know me, the real me. I went years not knowing me until one day, I looked in the mirror and hated the person in it.
I am so rambling on right now. I am just saying it conditioned thinking. We must all change the way we think from negative. It is easier said then done. I know. I know that I havent been helpful but I thought it was important to reply and let you know what methods I use and what is working for me. Take care.