Hi Bren. It's *funny* when somebody posts something that is exactly how you feel isn't it? Kinda eerie actually, like they got into your head and pulled out your own personal thoughts and typed them out for you. I've been in that position on the site too. I know suicide is not a subject that is supposed to be talked about here because it is felt that if you're headed in that direction that it's time for some REAL help IRL and not to rely on a forum for that help. That's why I asked Doc John for permission for this thread because if I had just posted it without that prior approval, it stood the very real chance of getting yanked. I really think that this is really important to discuss. If this thread even remotely helps one person, even if that one person is not me, then it was worth it. Some hard subjects can be talked about in an informative way and in a positive way. I do hope that nobody is triggered by it. I didn't mark it as a triggering thread because I didn't expect it to be and the word 'suicide' is in the title so that is certainly enough warning to anyone on what is being discussed here. I had to find the courage because if I didn't where might I be tomorrow, next week, next month, next year? Don't we all need to learn coping mechanisms to combat something that is so drastic and final? I think so. Obviously, Doc John agreed with me but I do know that he is watching this thread closely so I hope I'm not crossing the line on him.

I change what I'm doing too, or at least now I do. I'll go out, be with other people, watch a DVD, whatever, something to divert my mind in another direction. I find that works but only for the time I'm doing it. When I stop, my situation that brought me to the scary point is still there, it didn't change that and I don't see how without changing whatever brought it about to begin with is going to make any difference. One problem with my theory on that is that sometimes I get to that point, as I think you're describing if I understand you correctly, without even knowing why. Then what? Maybe in that case, diverting my attention to something else can work, occupying my mind with something else with the hopes that when I stop doing that something else, my thoughts won't return to my ideation. I guess if they did, I could divert my thoughts again until they didn't return back. But that would only work if there wasn't something specific that brought me to that point to begin with. You mention the roller coaster. Are you BP? I mentioned in a previous reply that I don't call for help. You said you initially didn't either but now you do. What helped change you to do that and why didn't you do it before?

The hospital. YIKES!!! Never been there and scares the crap out of me. I don't ever want to go there. Can I ask what they did with you when you went to the ER and why did they not help you immediately instead of letting you curl up in a fetal position on the floor? I would think that they would want to secure your safety immediately???? How long was it before they saw you? What procedure did you go through and how long were you there?

BTW, PLEASE anyone reading this, if you are in trouble PLEASE go to the ER, don't listen to my fears and do the same, remember I'm trying to change my behaviour. It's certainly NOT to be copied. My behaviour is FAR from ideal. The important thing is to keep SAFE!!! Do get help. Go to the ER, call 911, call a Crisis Line or A Suicide Hotline, a friend to come and stay with you, whatever that will keep you safe. Remember I'm here looking for help, do NOT do as I do. I need help!!!