For the first time ever, not even thinking it would ever happen, I cried because I couldn't eat.. Because I knew that my boyfriend (connor) wanted me to eat, and I was so hungry but I was terrified of eating.. I felt completely stuck..

So.. I don't know what to do! I ate in the end after calming down from a panic attack and almost collapsing because I was so weak.. But then.. I felt really guilty and I still do now.. S o.. I just.. Know For A Fact that I'm just going to stop eating again after going to Connor's at the weekend..

I know how much it upsets people, but Connor has been so much more supportive recently.. I cried about it and I said "I want to eat because this pain is unbearable, but I just can't!!! " and in the nicest, most soothing tone ever, he said "we'll work on it, baby.. Don't worry, we'll sort it, okay?" So I sniffed and looked up at him with really big, sad eyes and just burst into tears again.. I felt so bad because he looked so heartbroken at how much pain I'm going through with all this eating..

He said yesterday I've lost a lot of weight and that my bones are beginning to protrude a little.. But, when he said that.. I looked down and I just though 'no.. They're not. I'm still fat!' I questioned it and said.. "Really? Or are you just saying that I've lost weight to get me to eat again?" and he said no and that it's true, I am losing weight quite rapidly..

But when I went to my doctors the other day and he found out I haven't been eating, he didn't say much about it, just gave me the tablets I needed for m y migraines.. And guess what?! I'm even terrified of taking my medication because I'm scared that they'll have some fat in, and make me get fatter and fatter and fatter.. I don't know.. This probably all sounds so stupid..

But.. I can't drink anything BUT water.. That's it.. Nothing else can touch my lips at all. I ook at juices and fizzy drinks and people drinking them and think 'how can they do that? How can they drink what is basically a bottle of sugary, fatty water?'

I'm obsessed and I know it!! Last night, I managed to have a hot chocolate, but I chose the lower calorie one and my friends wouldn't let me, they made the higher calorie one for me.. I hated i t, but enjoyed it kind of.. At the same time.. Yet, all I could think about is how may calories, fat grams and what amount of sugar there was in it and everything like that and it was awful!!

What can I do? Nobody appears to want to help me apart from my boyfriend, but then I dn't feel ready to get better.. I just want to get down to my target weight, the I hope I'll be okay again.. Well a little lower than my target weight to make sure that I don't go over it if/when I do start eating again..

I just don't want to cy over it again.. I must have looked like such a baby..

sorry for the whinge, I just kinda need a bit of advice..