i got pregnant when i was 18. the father was my age, an alcoholic and a gambler, but i fell in love (at least thought so) with him anyway. he made me feel i matter (later i found out it was a lie - he had been years with a girl much younger than me).

at first i decided i would get rid of her. then as weeks passed, i grew more and more attached to her. i felt terrible about abortion, so i decided to keep her. i started seeing the nurse, i was so happy.. even when i ceased contact with the father, i was happy i had my little kaitlyn cordelia.

and i would read to her in bed, think of the things that needed to be thought about, whether i would be a good mother, how a baby develops, why babies cry...

her due date was october 21st, 2007.

i don't want to go into details, but one day at work i just started feeling terrible and bleeding.

i was devastated, but i saw a very good psychologist at the time so she helped me a lot.

today she crossed my mind because i looked at the calendar and realized that it's october. her 1st birthday would have been soon.

i have never in my life wanted children, but i love her and i would give anything if i had her here with me now. i never saw her, but i miss her.

my friend once asked me because i was crying over an online friend, "how can you cry over someone you've never met?"

i could punch her - you can do that very easily.

twilight