Is it him or me I can't find?

I SO NEED HIM during these times but it feels like my neediness rejects him and makes him pull away. All of a sudden, when I am in a crash he becomes Mr. Super Clinical T With Many Rules. Phone call rules, self care rules, blah blah blah. Who is this guy? We totally miss one another--and I don't mean longing I mean we do NOT connect during these times.

In some ways I feel like I need more from him. I need HIM to be more WITH ME during our session tomorrow. I need HIM to not shy away from my depression. Yeah, he can pull me out but he can only do that if he is with me and not telling me from the sidelines to get out of it.

Anyhow, I'm thinking that I need more intimacy--he needs to be with me more and in order for me to get what I need--then I need to risk more, don't I?

I needed a hell of a lot more from my mother than I got, connection, love all of that but most of all I needed her to validate the hell she left me in when she was working. I was not safe. But I always just blocked that out--disssociated that need so I wouldn't feel it.