Hey Jen, how did you sneak in here.

Sweetie, I know all too well about how it can consume your life. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt and still go back for more. It's the most horrible feeling and there simply are no words that really can describe it's pull.

See, you're getting to my theory. That diversion is good for awhile but if the original problem is still there then diversion is only going to delay things. You need to get to the source of the torment. I know what brings me to that point and unfortunately, mine is not in my control. Some things are in our control, some things aren't. Mine is one thing that is not in my control. That's why I'm so scared about this. I can work on my self-esteem, my screwed up thought processing and whatever else and yes, I will be 'better' but I still don't have control over what really depresses me unless I give up hope of ever having it or can accept the way things are without it. I'm not ready for that, I don't want to give up hope. I want it in my life. I don't think I'll ever get it but I still cling to 'some' although not a lot of hope that maybe someday . . .