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Oct 02, 2008, 10:52 PM
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MissC,
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and by the way, why does it feel like I am the only one [okay Soli, except you] who has these (seemingly] HUGE ruptures--
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We're just lucky, I guess! I think, in my case, that my T is not exactly thrilled with needy people (me specifically). I suspect that he would be able to be mindful and overcome his trepidation if it weren't for the fact that my attachment issues are MASSIVELY intense. Or, it could be that he is more oriented toward CBT whereas I believe more in the subconscious mind (Freud). I totally honor and respect his opinion, no matter how far of base it is (ha ha). We ALL know that he will come around to my way of thinking sooner or later as everyone does. I just hope it's sooner than later.
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THEN I read about others whose T's hold hands, hug, etc. WE DONT TOUCH.  And I am jealous.
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Mine is the same way - no touching allowed. I wonder if this is a manifestation of his disgust for neediness (in my case). Maybe the two are interrelated? Saying that, there is NO WAY I would want my T to touch me! Ever! I can't imagine him holding my hand nor do I want to do so. Oddly enough, it is very uncomfortable for me to even be typing this now.
This reminds me of one thing that happened with my Pdoc. Basically, it was a session before he left to go to another state. I was walking out and he was saying goodbye. I glanced at him and sensed a hug coming so I went to hug him AND . . . I had TOTALLY misread the situation, LOL. Allow me to assure you that the walk from that point until I got to the door was excruciating. All I could think of was, "Act calm. Act cool (too late). Pretend you didn't just make an *** out of yourself, lol, even though you did." He handled it expertly, though. He didn't let me hug him, holding me at bay, BUT he didn't push me away and reject me either. I knew instantly that if we had completed the hug that I would have felt totally horrible - I wouldn't have liked it at all. I used to think I wanted that from my T, but now I KNOW I don't. I think I've written about this before. I have since reframed the event to reduce the humiliation. I never thought I would ever "trip" and fall and have my Pdoc catch me, but it happened. Imagine the calamitous repercussions if he had not caught me - I could have skinned my knee! I'm so glad that national emergency issue has been solved.
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In some ways I feel like I need more from him. I need HIM to be more WITH ME during our session tomorrow. I need HIM to not shy away from my depression. Yeah, he can pull me out but he can only do that if he is with me and not telling me from the sidelines to get out of it.
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This is a very interesting point! Are you saying that you want your T to accept your depression instead of pushing you to get over it? I believe that our Ts have to accept our neediness in order to help us reduce its effects, so I suspect that it could be the same with depression.
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Yeah, I guess he really was desparate and he was simply reciting the litany of things I needed to do to connect with people but really--bowling?
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Anyhow, I'm thinking that I need more intimacy--he needs to be with me more and in order for me to get what I need--then I need to risk more, don't I?
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This is a really disturbing question. The fact that you asked that question is really amazing! Instead of burying your head in the sand (--I'm at that center now), as always, you are instead taking the bull by the horns. If I'm hearing your font correctly, it sounds like you are realizing that in order to move forward you have to risk feeling the pain. You've made so much progress. Your perseverance continues to serve you well.
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