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Kiya · Oct 03, 2008, 01:37 PM

One of my most notorious trouble (animal) alters has been doing a LOT of processing lately and this is from last night...

I keep looking at this picture that has been painted out – that was a flash through my mind, but one I didn’t know how it could be real. But I painted it out and it is of me with cat ears and cat eyes, wearing black, bound with my hands tied above my head and tied to a rope to the ceiling. I am on my knees and there are spiders around. I have no emotion when I look at this picture. None. It is like it is of some alien. I always have emotional attachment to everything I paint... but this. And I am TERRIFIED of spiders, can't even read the word and if there is a picture, i drop it - but there are spiders in this, and i feel completely empty, blank.

When I asked if this could possibly be real, I heard quiet, but clear YES somewhere back behind my left ear, where true answers always seem to come from over the years. I said this just can’t be true. YES. I didn’t know where or when it could be from and heard the name in the same quiet clear voice, *******. And images of him; my friend’s dad. They were our only neighbor in **. We lived in the middle of nowhere and they lived a mile away – we couldn’t even see them. They were the closest to us of anyone. We were moved there very young. ****** was the girl and she was terribly mean to me. She tried to always push me off the top of the monkey bars (at my house) and ran me off the road on our bikes so I always fell. I spent the night over at her house sometimes. She took me out in the middle of the night one night – I don’t even remember why – barefoot and I got stuck with cactus. Her dad who I never trusted kept trying to trick me into yanking it out. “I just want to look at it” he’d say, then make a grab for it. I hissed at him and swiped at him. I finally pulled it out myself 2 hours later.
I sucked my thumb back then and he threatened to haul me off to the wood stump and chop it off with his ax if he ever saw it in my mouth again (I seem to remember hearing this a few times). They took me to their church and I heard the creation story (for the first time) I asked who made God and the teacher broke down crying (I don’t remember, mom told me all this part), called me the Antichrist and kicked me out of that church. The mom ******* called me a heathen all the time and said I was a bad influence and needed to be cured of the devil. I was always in trouble there.
I know they had an attic that was unfinished (mom tells me they built an entire new floor) – the girl took me up there and I remember I was scared to go there – but she bullied me into it. She was also very mean to her little sister and tried to get me to be mean too or encourage me to take things back from her that she had taken from me (like play dough) and then I’d get in trouble for it. I told her mom that my mom’s favorite word was S*** and got in trouble for that and also for trying to catch a lizard for the mom who was standing on a chair screaming – but I caught only the tail and the lizard left and trailed blood. I was made to clean the blood and was reminded that I am a heathen (something she told me often) and of the devil and that I did that on purpose. The mom often called our house with bizarre stories about people being in her house and how her own husband was having an affair with her mother who was 87..., and her dad and my dad were often at meetings together for those pyramid sales programs – I always avoided him at these, he scared me half to death. If he was in one room, I’d not go in there. I am still working on when my spider phobia developed, and also becoming terrified of the dark. I don’t know if the picture has light or not.
I told mom about this and showed her the picture. She said she tried to not have me go over there whenever she could come up with an excuse to keep me home. Evidently, even though I was the antichrist, they still wanted to take me to church to cure me and mom didn’t want me with them… but I have a pattern of wanting to be with people who are bad for me; a kid who beat me all the time, this girl from this crazy household, this scary lady in ** who wanted me to stay nights and weekends with her, the 4th grade teacher who was incredibly mean to me and paddled trouble kids with a big paddle board that hung on the wall, a girl and her brother in ** (who’s dad was drugged and ***** us all), the abusive guy I dated. It is like once I know them, I feel *terribly* guilty to leave them and will return to them again and again.