NO NEED TO READ>>>JUST VERBAL DIAHROEA REALLY>>>UNINTERESTING TO ANYONE I"D GUESS>>>IT JUST KEPT FLOWING OUT OF ME AND I JUST KEPT TYPING UNTIL IT STOPPPED>>>>SORRY>..boring i know..

The therapist is working out better than i thought...and it is helping to talk. I understand why i need a therapist for these kinds of issues as it is not my endevour to burden my friends.

I am one of these friends that when i make a really really good friend...i love them..not in a sexual sense...but more like family...i love them so much and i would do anything in this world for them. I seek closeness and deepness in friendship and also someone interested in the good the bad and the ugly. who is always there for you. who will be honest with you. who will tell you when you are amazing but also tell you when you are getting to intense or crowding or suffocating etc....and i value someone all the more if they talk to me about these parts of friendship which is left at the back of the mind and only rear their ugly heads in times of stress and distress....and thus potentially ruin a friendship.

one of my mistakes in life is to think that if someone loves me...and they are my friend and i just adore them. i make the mistake that they love me as much as i love them. And unfortunately for me i have found that i love more than most love me back...and it has been cutting to realize...to realise that i really am a burden...and not worth the effort for all my problems...

I need people to tell me things...because i was never taught these things as a child...its not an excuse its really just how it is....i was left abandoned emotionally at times and my social skills suffered....especially from ch abuse..sometimes i just can't see what i have done wrong because im blinded by how much i care...and i think how could they hurt me when i love them and would do anything for them...

i was recently dumped by a friend who i believed really valued my friendship. he meant the world to me in so many ways. I cared about him so much that i would have done anything for him. And becasue i loved this person as my friend so much i stupidly thought it was reciprocated. but as usual i am not loved as much as i love. I would have listened to any problems this guy had and did...so i thought i could lean on him and tell him mine....and it was unfortunate that at the time i didn't have many other people to speak with or who cared about me. and when someone cares about me i cling to them...because it is so rare for someone to really like me....and i cling so hard that i suffocate them until they despise me. And at the time i don't realise it. but they do and they are stewing over it and hating me more and more each day...whereas i have no idea...partly becaseu i am depressed and my judgement is so impaired...

i had and still have my best friend...who i also clung to for dear life. but he told me. he told me what i was doing and how if affected him. and yes i cried my heart out....and i felt so awful and thought he would too leave me...but he didn't because he still wanted my friendship but we worked on our friendship and he helped me find ways to change and our friendship is the most beautiful i have ever had. and im not scared of him running. but it seems that i need to go through this all the time...

back to the friend who left me......I got so so depressed and things got worse...and as i needed him more and more...he hated me more and more...but he said nothing....and when he dumped me it hit me like a brick in the face. i didn't understand. and it hurt so much. i cried for weeks. i felt like my whole world had crashed. becasue i cared so so much about him and loved every minute i had...and to think he could just walk away so easily broke my heart.

but i understand why he left. and that makes it all the worse. becasue i have to take some ownership of that. and in a way i deserve it..becasue im not smart enough to have learnt from all the other friends that end up like this in this vicious cycle.

i just wish that i had been given just one chance....one chance to really know what i did wrong...one chance to change to how he wanted me to be...because i didn't understand...at the time. but i gues that is why i desrved it..because im just not worth it....he has plenty other friends worth it...and now i think i understnad why he didn't need to botherwith someone with problems that burden...i dont understand at the time tho becaseu i crave close friendships...right now i only have one really close friend..not like this guy who has a few i think...so its my loss....i lost a friend...but he just lost a painful burden...

i wished he had talked to me. i wished he hadn't been so harsh because it really hurt me and my depression suffered. i couldn't understnad why someone would dump me when i was so sick...because i didn't mean or could help how i was or behaved.

Even though he hurt me so much and does not like me or think i am worth even working on our friendship...or worth speaking to.....our friendship ended with me being hated...but me still loving....and that hasnt changed....i will not change how i feel...to hate him..because it is pointless...and all i could hate for was the nastiness after our friendship. so i will hold dear to me what i had...and hope that i meant something...for just a little while....that i was a good friend...for just a little while...that i helped...for just a little while...that i cared...for just a little while...that i hugged...loved....cherished for just a little while...and i know he liked me at one point...because i FELT it...and i feel so deeply....i felt his friendship just as deeply as i felt his hatred...

SORRY THIS IS SO LONG>>>but my mind just kept going..