I know what I need to do - eat, not purge, be healthy, take care of myself. If not for myself, for my husband and children.

WHY CAN'T I SEEM TO DO IT???

I lost 2 lbs this morning and was so elated. I knew I shouldn't be. It feels like losing weight is the only thing I can accomplish right now, and everything else is out of my control.

Last night I told my husband I've been purging agan. Either I starve or eat and then purge. He said he was going to take my scale, and I know this is the best thing but I don't want him to. He wants to help me with an 'eating plan' so that I am eating small meals throughout the day and drinking Ensure. He is trying to be helpful and supportive and I love him for it, but I am afraid of disappointing him and I am already trying to think of ways to deceive him.

I feel like my T doesn't want to talk about any of this but I haven't really asked him. Maybe I am afraid he won't know how to handle it. If he can't help me will I have to find someone else? I don't know if he has worked with anyone with this problem before. Or maybe I am afraid he will think I am shallow and weak. I don't think I even know all the reasons I am afraid to bring this up.

I guess I'm rambling now, but I am so tired of all of this and it seems hopeless.....very very hopeless that I will be able to climb out of this hole.