Hello
My name is mIchelle. I am new to the site. I read your post and wanted to reply to you. I don't know what happened with Erin. But I can garentee you that things will look better. I am glad to hear that you don't want to die. I do understand wanting to be unconcious - just not wanting to feel the pain you are in. I feel that way a lot also. I is a shame we can't just become numb to whaever it is that is causing us pain.
You said you feel as though you are running out of friends. I know that feeling. I lost all my friends after high school. we all just grew apart. Anyway I wish I could tell you a million things that are good about you - as I am sure there at least a million if not more - but I don't know you so I can't reach the million - but I can tell you 1 good thing abput you- you are a very caring person. I can tell that from your post. You mentioned that you had stopped posting because you felt as though you should try to help people instead of them helping you. Number 1 just the idea that you wanted to help others makes you a caring person. I have not read any of your old post or any of the advice or anything you have offered- but I am sure that somehow in someway you have helped at least 1 person if not more. That alone says you are a good person. number 2 you said "I haven't posted in a long time, because I had decided that I would just try to help the people on this site rather than just lay my
problems out all the time and not give anyone advice and help in return. But I feel that my dues have been paid so to speak and have made the desicion to try to have an equal balance of helping and getting help."
You may not realize this but although when you are writing in for advice ar help or just to find kind words it is technically to your benifit- it could also be for others benifit also, A person may be just looking around and come to one of your posts. The person may be feeling the same way you were and seeing that someone else feels that way could make them feel better and also maybe one of the replies to your posts helps out another person - you see I don't think it's a give and take thing here. I think it is more like people caring enough to want to help others - I for one am not keeping any scores.
I hope this post finds you in bettter spirits than when you posted.
Michelle