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skeeweeaka · Oct 04, 2008, 07:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skeeweeaka

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agony007 said:
hi skee,

i think that though many people have read the post they may be apprehensive about posting an opinion because it is always difficult to give an opinion when it comes down to relationships. you know the whole "no one should get involved" theory.
i understand that you have the desire to reconstruct the relationship with your husband and start over. however, based on the information you provided i don't see how he has changed. i know you've stated that you want to do this for your daughter as well. but have you given any thought to how your husband's behavior will affect her? he may be ideal for the short time he spends with her. but if he hasn't changed, don't you think that he is a negative example for your daughter. i am a mother of 2 boys and also suffer from bipolar disorder. and yes i agree that bipolar disorder has affected relationships in my life. however, you provided more than enough information as to how your husband's behavior affected your marriage. have you given any thought to how his behavior affects you, especially given your diagnosis? ultimately it is your decision to make. and you are the only one who can decide if after all thats happened a reconciliation is worth it. the only thing i would stress is whether or not a reconciliation will actually benefit your daughter. remember children are reflections of their parents. i would imagine that you want to raise your daughter in a positive atmosphere where she will learn that she is of value and does not have to put up with the nonsense of a partner who is not worth it. i wish you the best of luck.

-agony

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Thanks Agony, I totally understand what you are saying and agee that not much change has taken place. I do know that I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, let him get on his feet and see how things go. He arrived last week and so far old patterns have surfaced, the good ones... He is looking for a job which is difficult in this economy....he definitely needs something fulltime with benefits...that was what we agreed on....getting that in a timely fashion is another story. He may have to take a part time job until something better comes along and he is fine with that.

So far he has cleaned my house...I think about it but never fully clean it. He cooks my daughters meals for her...makes her clean her room every day...did I say he is a neat freak!!! Those are his good points I guess....he fully engages her and they get along well... Again, my problems with him are always the job and finances...

So in most ways, he is a good role model for her,better for her in some ways than myself. However, she doesn't trust him to take care of her on his own and will not live with him, he has asked her several times when I have been hospitalized.

We'll see how things go...It is difficult for me to make good decisions when it comes to him.... I just don't know what the right thing is...but my therapist is always there to help me through these things...

Thank you for your input, I appreciate it

Nightbird...I also understand where you are coming from....a part of me agrees with you too....move on....I can't change him...I'm better off by myself... But, I've made the decision to give it a go and see where it takes us. If it ends up not being a good fit, then no love lost we simply go our separate waysand he parents from a distance.

TJ

It's been a while since I posted this. Since then I have had my exhusband living in my home with my daughter and me. He was supposed to immediately get a job, it has been two months and still no job. Now I am wishing that I had listened to Agony, however, I didn't. I ask myself why did I not listen. Well mostly because I need help with my dd who is 12 yo. She was getting into trouble at school and starting to act out. That behavior was something that I couldn't deal with and was triggering my BP depressive episodes to worsen to suicide levels.

That said, him being here is triggering me as well. Especially, me constantly telling him that he needs to get a job and reminding him that he said he would get any job until he could find a more permanent one to his liking. In a nutshell, he has not changed and yes it is a bad role model for my daughter, although he does take her to her basketball practice and to school functions in my car, of course. That said, he has no money and even though we discussed him purchasing his own food, etc., he has no food and has had none for about a month! Therefore, he has lost a great deal of weight, now he is already skinny so his clothes are falling off of him. That said I have asked him to go and get aid so that he has food, he has not done so yet. I have no idea what to do next. I am upset with myself and I told him this week that he has until November 1 to get a job! I told him he immediately needs to get some assistance for food because he had no money, but somehow finds money to buy coffee at the store down the street, obviously with money found around my house! He also eats my dd's snacks and when she goes to get something there is a small handful left in the package...

What the heck was I thinking!!!

Why is it that I have put myself in this situation, again I needed help with my daughter and I still do! Obviously, I need to work out the social phobia somehow so that I can have the strength to do the things with my dd that I have asked him to do. Ultimately, he came here because he had no where else to go. He lost his school funding with two classes to go and since his parents are dead and he has no siblings, I was it so he told me what I wanted to hear.

I guess I have answered my original question, in this case, he cannot and has not changed!

TJ