*TRIGGER*- Could trigger over abandonment issues.

I don't know where this goes. I just feel down right now. I have had stuff on my mind which is depressing me somewhat, but have also been more nervous, lately. I never know when I'll get the day off, so I dunno when to schedule a T appointment.

I am SO BORED. I was too sick to go out today, and then I got MAJORLY BORED and wanted to go out tonight, but couldn't leave cause I didn't want to be alone and none of my friends are available. I am stressed....frustrated even.....and feeling isolated and trapped. I am putting off doing things I should do and I feel like a bad person because of it. I dunno. Just feel down. I really want to go out so badly and not be alone, but have no one.

My offline friends are kind of like this- 3 good friends, another 1 I consider a good friend, but he prob. does not think so, and 3 so-so friends. Other people that are more like acquaintances sort of, too. Most of these friends are cousins. Anyway, out of the 3 good ones, one is abandoning me I truly believe, so she's not been a good friend lately. Another one is just ignoring me lately. May be busy. The third is asleep tonight. Went to bed before 10. The 1 I'd like to think is a good friend is out of town. Usually has something to do on my days off. Bad timing I guess. I prob. care more than he does, anyway. No one ever cares as much about me. The other 3 so-so ones....well, one is in bed, one is gone, and the other is mad at me. So I am alone. I have my puppy and I love her, but I mean, I want someone to talk to tonight. I want someone to go out with me. I feel trapped here. Where is everybody?

You know, before I'd be angry if a friend rejected me. But....I don't have the right. I mean if people don't care, guess they can't help themselves. Well, my one friend is rejecting me. She has a bad work schedule, I know, but it is no excuse for this. I just don't care, anymore. I need to not think of her as someone who is there for me. I need to never call. I need to quit. Cause she obviously doesn't care. She has other priorities. And I'm pathetic to call and prob. annoying her. And one of the other ones, i know she is busy, but feel she is ignoring me, too. When you feel bad and your friend knows it, you shouldn't have to call several times over several days to get a response. But I feel bad or worried about something too often, I guess. Guess people get tired of it.