My abusive, insensitive father is going to have a tricky surgery on Tuesday. Part of me wants him to get well. The other part wants him to die.

My problem is that if he lives I want to die more. I am trying with every fiber of my being to be supportive and be a good daughter to a male who abused me, my mother, brothers and sisters. They seem to have forgiven him.

There are many more factors at play here and they are all merging at once for me now and I am overwhelmed. I can't seem to stop this thought that goes it's either him or it's me. I am ashamed about it.

Thank you for reading this. I would appreciate nice and kindly support atm.