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If that's the case, then why is this so hard for me?
Everything points to my need of having to leave my marriage. Yet, I remain.
My marriage of 14 years has completely changed in direction for us both. Up until 2 years ago, I was the one who fed the marriage all that it required to keep it going this long. Throughout that time, hubby was a fantastic financial provider, but that was the extent of his involvement. Unless, of course, he wanted sex. And even that stopped because I got fed up putting out my entire being into what he only felt financially obligated to. Only years later to discover that I had lost myself somewhere along that spiritual spiral downward.
My last direct attempt to salvage what I so despirately longed for, our marriage, I plead with him to turn us around by (assisting me) to attending to us, and not himself and friends (who, for years, came before us). I was willing to try anything to save us, offered many possibilities, all to no avail. My last plea, was to inform him that if nothing would come from this last attempt of mine, then I was heading for an emotional shutdown...Not just from the marriage, but from myself as well. By that time, then 12 years into marriage, I was too emotionally AND spiritually drained. I honestly became too exhausted to even want to try to return to him, (I knew that if I was forced to that point of letting it go, there would be no returning).
Of course, I allowed more than a generous amount of time for hubbs to respond, also providing him a fair amount of short reminders that my LAST plea still stands. No response whatsoever.
Then, came the morning when, without even realizing it, I let go. Before I knew it my shutdown had arrived. This was 2 years ago.
Throughout the year following, preoccupation of self and 10 year old daughter, replaced what attention I put into marriage.Still, not much of any change in hubbs behavior, not that it was any longer an issue.
It wasn't until entering the last year that a drastic change came over hubbs.
We had just finished changing residence, further away from his (then obsessive hobby of) friends. Leaving him much of the time alone to himself. It wasn't until he was forced to have to deal with himself to realize that he had even lost me emotionally. Once that had become a realizationfor him, THEN he saw the need to attend to us. THEN he realized that something was wrong. And THEN he began to make his despirate attempts to instill upon me the importance of keeping us together,(as though I never even had a clue before).
I love the man, but hate what he allowed to happen to us. I'm not one who believes in harboring resentments, (try my best not to conduct myself that way), however, I think that I have some deep issues regarding the way he has treated me and my daughter over the years.
The last time I was active in the work force was just before my daughter was born. I dedicated myself to be a mother and wife, but now I find myself without any backup which can sustain my daughter and myself when seperation from hubbs does occur.
I have found myself at a complete loss. I really can't understand why I haven't left already, while at the same time I certainly cannot understand why I am still here.
Am I still here simply out of fear because of finances? Because I know I wont be able to support the two of us? Out of shame for failing the marriage?
I've found myself many times asking myself...which of the two evils is a better choice? 1) Remaining in the marriage for the sake of financial security for my daughter and self, and tolerating the constant friction amongst us? or, 2) Leaving, providing my daughter and self some well deserved spiritual and emotional peace, but jeopardizing our financial situation?
The latter is far more appealing to both my daughter and myself, however, I just cannot foresee having to subject her to any misfortunes due to my inability of supporting her financially.
I must include that, if we were to leave, our plans are to move out of the states. We have very good friends who are welcoming our arrival, made accomodations necessary for our relocating there, and await our decision, (who are supportive of us regardless of what we choose to decide). However, our choice to move out of the states will be a huge change for the both of us, and I do not wish to make any decisions on such a huge scale in error. We have been contimplating this move for nearly a year now with all aspects discussed several times, including the changing of schools and the adaptations involved.
I guess what it boils down to is, either I do, or I don't. But, IS it really that simple?
Some feedback would be so greatly appreciated. Thank you all.
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