(((((((((AngelGirl))))))))))))

WOW! I've never read about the suicidal ideations that I could ever "relate to" until I read your post. Sorry I'm a little late geting back to you, but I just got myself another suidcidual ideation, by sleeping for 2 days. That ONE of my coping strategies. I figure, if I'm asleep I cannot kill myself. However, I use this Tx for myself only because the love of my life, doles out my meds on a daily basis...has to b/c when a suicidal thought comes by in the past, I just ate every pill in sight. I should have died so many times!!! Back in the 90's, I woke up on a respirator and/or ICU strapped down (they knew me well) I don't fear death...I already had my favorite brother blow himself away when I was 14 & he was 18. Death just was not feared in life....it was the ultimate answer to every problem...and waking up in the ER/ICU/out of a coma, I was deeply pissed off!

AG: Yeah, I have those "ideations" following me around like shadow for years. I've done the "Christian thing" but it was like you said, "I didn't FEEL anything" I played "musical churches" looking for the "ultimate answer" & found nothing.
It seemed sometimes that no matter what I tried to do to deal w/ the ideations.....there I was in the ER/ICU...followed by a few weeks in the PSYCH ward I tried the "contracts" & it was like "How is a stupid piece of paper going to stop me????!!!!) I could never "wait" until I saw my T next!! When it hits you, you cannot say to those thoughts "Gee brain, could you put it on hold until I see my T?" I know all about the not answering phone resulting in the "welfare" check by the cops unlocking my apt door followed my paramedics, my case worker, etc. In fact that was just last week.....obviously a BAD idea, AG!

SO, as a person w/ chronic suicidal ideation b/c I too, CANNOT stand the pain, burnt out from "going on", believing that it will never get better.........AG, I believe there's a reason why I continued to survive deadly OD's & etc....I believe I'm "SUPPOSED TO BE HERE FOR A REASON"....What ELSE would it be????

I read all the other posts before I decided to open my BIG MOUTH! I read some pretty good ideas...but ONE really hit the spot for me.....Do believe it was "Sometimes" who suggested. WRITING REASONS! Using different colors of pens!
BRAINSTORM! (just write as fast as the thoughts come..do NOT censor/edit...the different colored pens works good. But, I'm an artist...it's why all my postings are peppered w/ the stupid icons! I realize that "writing may not be your THING" but trust me. AG...it's GREAT therapy for yourself when you you're about to do something you might regret....BRAINSTORM...then go do something else for 30 minutes (take a walk around the block) and then come back & address every reason/thing you wrote..work thru it, (in a different color) Try it! You may like it! In addition, to "brainstorming on paper" I also keep a "journal" in a secret computer file on my PC. I can type as fast as I can think (most of the time) so I just sit down & let it rip! (No proof-reading, etc. as you go!)

I have, to date, now lost 2 brothers to suicide...and I've stared straight into the "Eyes of Death" Not pretty.

AngelGirl.....divert your attention on something else!!!TV, movies...writing...read the past posts!! There's a lot of people here that WANT YOU AROUND! Damn, write a contract to US! It's not hopeless. I've been "obsessed" since age 16, I'm now 40-something I'm still here "FOR A REASON!" Think about it..I'm sending HUGS by the zillion...keep posting, PM me, just DO IT!

(((((((((((((( DAYZEE)))))))))))))))