I hate this. I hate that I ruin all my relationships because people getting close scares me. I hate that I tell people I don't need them or I hate them when all I really want is for them to love me. I hate that I can't control my emotions, I hate that no one loves me.

It hurts so much, that the interpersonal relationships I would cut off my two legs for I will never have. I am the pyscho friend who wants you to tell her how important she is all the time. I am the psycho friend who pushes you away even though she really is crying to be held.

I want someone to see through all the defense mechanisms, through my hot-blooded anger, through the pushing and shoving and hateful words, that I'm really so hurt and I can't take this feeling of abandonment. I can't take it if one more person leaves me, I'm not 20, I'm a little girl who needs love.

I hate the emotional, angry, monster I am.