It sounds a lot like my daughter's OCD. I agree, check out special sites on OCD and fight back. As kids we want to feel that we have power so we believe that if we did this or that differently then it would be okay so the bad things are our fault and they wouldn't happen if we were good enough. Well, let me tell you it's a hard thing to get past but it just ain't so. You are not respnsible and you sound like the OCD is giving you a run. Good luck.