I really don't where to post this.

I can't read this board generally, because it triggers me, so I feel guilty coming here for support. So please forgive me.

I am so triggered this morning. My mom (my abuser) is going in for a procedure this morning, and I just got off the phone with her. She was telling me all of the things to do if she dies - like to have an estate auction, take care of my addict brother, play a certain song at her memorial, etc. Ugh. It so reminds me of when I was growing up and she was constantly threatening suicide, and telling me (a child) how to handle everything after she was gone.

And there is all of this guilt tied in to it. Because she was one of my abusers, the thought of her being gone was....appealing, and I feel really guilty for that.

And I feel guilty for not wanting to drive her to her procedure this morning. My stupid addict brother lives nearby, but she doesn't want to bother him, even though she supports him 100% financially.

I don't know. I did offer to drive her, but she decided to take herself. Guilt. Whatever.

So, I'm just triggered into all of this fear and guilt. I've had a really good week...to the point where I actually thought "whew! I'm all better!" and being triggered is really really upsetting me.

I have a prescription for klonopin and I don't want to take it for some reason.

I did leave a message for T. We've processed a lot of other (SA) trauma stuff in therapy, but not this stuff very much.

I don't even know if what I'm saying is making sense. It's just all of this PTSD crap that probably doesn't sound like a big deal at all but is just making me feel really, really awful.

I feel guilty for posting on a board where I can't provide support to others, and that's creating another whole set of triggers and bad feelings - fear of not being liked, fear of asking for too much, etc.

Blah. I guess I just wanted to vent.