All day I've been in a good mood, no tears nearby. Until a little bit ago when something happened here at work. Now all the bad thoughts are back, I want to call "M" so bad, I suck, I'm stupid and useless. Not all the time, I know; but right now. I'm trying so hard to swallow it down, don't let the scream come up, swallow the ugliness that is trying to push out, but I can't. I just can't.