((((((((earth))))))))))) I have been thinking about you and this post a lot. I still have no answer and internally there is chaos. I did just start a group for incest survivors tonight which will get interesting... and i almost felt too heard and too concerned with the reaction i got from the moderating t today in the intake on those tough safety questions @_@ my "time to run" flag came up!!! Made me think of you. Then i had to sign a contract where one of the lines for the group was "you can leave the *room* if overwhelmed, but not the building - a moderator has to check in and debrief with you first" and i felt that PANIC inside (from 8 who IS a runner) "whadyamean i can't *leave the bldg*!!!??" So we went over that for a minute. I as kiya am really glad that they care so much about safety. I know it is still hard for the system to have to put that much faith or trust into complete strangers. But i also like the T's down-to-earth sense... seems very REAL which really helps.
The T was very through (i can NEVER spell that word no matter how many times i memorize it) on the self injury and suicide questions (thus the panic) and i was really quite honest too and she started scribbling notes @_@ so i admitted that yes there is ideation nearly daily, yes there have been plans (never followed out) yes we've thought of every way possible (when you've been thinking about it for 23 years... yeah) and yes we've been close to three attempts though not actually gone all the way through with trying. And yes we have the crisis numbers on us at all times. *sigh*. Thankfully she didn't press me for further details. But i assured her that the system is fairly good at handling this (or we'd not still be here) and will even reach out when I am "out" to seek help if they can't handle it... which I think has only happened 3 times...? Same with the SI questions; who does it, how often, define "mild", shallow?? How is it done?..." At least she didn't make me show her. Even tho they are mild, i scar easily... so they are all still there. *sigh*. I am losing my train of thought.... I know at one point, 10 was thinking of the tool in the car but we are so used to that that we are not concerned by it any more - she thinks about it often w/o going for it. T did ask if i could get rid of the tools and i explained that having them gone is worse than working on control around them... less panic knowing they *could* be used if needed. Ok starting to space out.... time to post....