Repeating over and over in my head, little brother dies, mum dies, dad dies and it's all my damn fault

All my fault, always my fault, stupid stupid bad me

He hurt me so much, I was only born so that he could use me, like some kind of dog to train to be used, sick sick, but it's still somehow my fault and I feel so awful for his death

Try to pretend I'm okay... me? Okay? I'm never okay. Spent the morning lying in bed, couldn't sleep, alone in the house... I need a drink and some pills.

Talking to myself, pretending all over again, keep pretending, maybe then it'll go away. It was worse this morning. Pretending through gritted teeth and hiding my face to pretend I'm fine.

It all hurts too bad. Stupid damn bloody eye, cuts sting, inside pain always the worst. If my dad could see me now he'd laugh seeing what a failure I am.

Write this out, but it doesn't really matter in the end, in a few seconds I'll go back to being completely alone and too stupid scared to ask for help, go back to pretending I'm okay. Go back to kidding myself that I'm going to be okay, that I don't want to do something that people would think is really stupid but seems like the answer to me. Back to pretending.