I thought about posting this or not. I have been told that my work has helped others do their own therapy and given them hope and encouragement. So I want to post about Emdr today in the spirit that my work can still help.
My time has changed for october because my emdr T has a training on our reg time and today was in a diff office. It felt weird.
We started the work on the ER exam after the kidnapping and yucky thing. Its hard to do because all i feel is anger and pain and no words. I cant put it into words. I was just 9 barely nine when it happened. As I write this my heart is beating fast and the pain is coming but Im ok. The only thing that I can say is that I wanted to hurt myself badly. The urge was over whelming and scary. I can remember that feeling when they were holding me down and examining me. I wanted it to stop. I cant tell if the urge to hurt myself is from back then or what I feel now. I wanted to stab myself with a pen. When I was a kid I had these strong urges also. i would also lay down in the street and cover myself up with leaves. I cant put words in the feelings. I have no idea. Its circles and shadows and stuff i cant say. I didnt have the tools then and I dont know how to do it now. I told my T how I felt and she sat by me. I had this little girl urge to throw my arms around her. I just didnt. I think I have a lot to process and work on. I just dont know how. I dont know how to do this. I know that i am in a way because I told my T that I wanted to hug her and it scared me and she hugged me. I just felt over whelmed by this feeling i cant put to words and the urge to hurt myself. The feelings went down and I heard my T saying things like helping stuff and the little part of me felt better. Im not sure if this is how emdr is supposed to work but it seems to help. I cant explain things and I cant say things because there are no words. I can draw them at times and my body shows them. There is no words. But the thing is when they get strong they get big they get scary and then they get calmed down and comforted and heard and thy get less and less. She wrote me a note telling me stuff and I left feeling better. Weird how this works this wordless emotional therapy. I have some words but I cant explain a lot. I am so lucky for having my T's. I remember that I tell my T what i can when we do this and not hide things like the urge to hurt myself and when the feelings are to big I say I need to stop and she sits by me and comforts me by her company and I close my eyes and feel the safety of being cared about and by the presence of another human being who is safe and somehow this heals. I dont know how. I left feeling happy and tired and a bit of body memory pain, but knowing that this pain is telling me to let it have a voice. Knowing that I have my T's there to comfort this nine year old girl makes the pain easier then before. I feel tired but I feel stronger and i feel heard. I am sad and the sad comes and goes but I read the words my T's write for me or I call them and they say gentle things and tears fall if they have to but I cant fight it. I cant judge it and i cant force healing.