I really didn't think I would post anything on here because I wasn't sure how much it would help; I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 16 (I am now 30) so I am familiar with the ups and downs and there is really not a whole lot that anyone can say to make it better. After all, no one can take the hurt away, right?

My medicine usually keeps me pretty stable, except for this time of year when I have historically had issues with depression. Besides the overwhelming sadness, that ever-present weight that I just can't lift, I tend to have very low energy. I feel like I could sleep all the time, and, while I would love to go out and be active, to work out and have fun, I just don't have the desire or energy to do anything. I just started school again this year as well so I now work full-time and am taking 10 credits--I am truly exhausted.

There is the physiological effects of the depression, and that is bad enough to deal with. But I also have a lot going on personally that is exacerbating my sadness. My family is just... not around. Holidays have always been important to me--I love Thanksgiving and Christmas, and look forward to the season well in advance. But, for the last two years, I have just had nowhere to go for the holidays. This year will be the same and, already, the thought is unbearable. When I say that I have no friends, I guess that isn't exactly accurate. I mean, I have a few acquaintances and some old friends that live far away. But I have no one who is a close friend. Truly, I have no one to just call up to go for coffee, or to laugh with. I have no one to call when I feel sad. Or happy. My phone never, ever rings. Ever. In an emergency, I would be screwed--I have no one to call to help me if I needed it. And I have no one that wants my help. I desperately miss my old friends but, five years ago, when everyone started having babies, when they started to have their own lives, and when my depression started really taking me down (I have since learned to keep it in, to rally, to push forward even though I feel like giving up) I lost a lot of people. They just didn't want to deal with me I guess.

I can't even describe how lonely I am. It's so overwhelming, I can't believe that it doesn't swallow me up some days.

When--if--I graduate, I will be very successful. I will make a decent living, eventually. After paying off student loans. And yet, I will be completely alone. The thing I want, even more than my career, is to get married, to find the man who is my best friend and to have him join me on the journey. But it seems like, even though I am reasonably attractive, and reasonably intelligent, I am invisible to men. They just look right through me. Or, on the flipside, I end up being just a the sidekick--that's the way it always was in the past.

I feel completely irrelevant. I feel like I have no reason to be on this earth. I feel like, if I were gone tomorrow (and this is not a suicide threat) that no one would even care. And, if they did...well, where the hell are they now?

I don't know... this is a long post. I'm sure no one will read it. But I feel like hell, and I am just frozen with hurt, and I need to get this out. I am too busy to sit here and wallow in it; I have homework and things to get done, and yet, here I sit, crying, wishing I could just go out and blow off my homework with a friend. But... there isn't anyone. Just me.

I can't afford counseling right now and, even though my university offers free counseling well... I don't have a lot of time in my day to take advantage of it.

Thanks for reading.