No matter what the topic or the level of conversation, whatever I say is wrong according to everyone else. Pick a subject. It doesn't matter what it is. If I have an opinion, I'm wrong.

If I try to argue the point, I'm wrong.

So, I now say things one time. If others disagree, that's their screwed up thinking. Even if I have the facts even if I know absolutely that I'm right, I just shut up. I've gotten to the point where I just don't care if they think I'm wrong.

All of this kind of feeds into my not wanting to be in conversation anyway. Let the talk swirl around me in my silence. I just keep my mouth shut since everything I have to say is wrong anyway.

It felt better before I realized that this kind of thinking is coming out of PTSD. I really feel like I should return to that realm of ignorance and quit trying to leave it behind. The bazaar behavior without understanding was easier than the memories and the thinking that something is wrong with me.

Let me go back in my shell of anger and rage. Leave my thoughts alone. Bury the memories. Put them back in their little boxes and nail the lid shut.

I once thought that the telling of secrets had released the pressure on me, but I now think that the new found memories and the telling is making things worse.

Over the years people have developed this expectation of me and I can fit right back into that groove very easily. Silent. Angry. Wrong thinking. Volatile. Touch with care.