Just curious. Is it one reason, 2, several, maybe you don't even know why? For me, it seems that life's events keep throwing me off the cliff. Sometimes it happens for no apparent reason and that's more frustrating to not know why. I, at least need to have a reason.

I don't think my depression is leaving me anytime soon. It's partly because of my Mom's state of health and how her life is now in chaos, continual chaos. The stupid thing about it, is that she is doing better with accepting it than I am. I don't know why I can't just accept what her life has been reduced to if she can accept it. I know she doesn't like the way her life is now. So why has she comes to terms with it and I haven't? Doesn't make any sense to me. How do you learn to accept life's cruel and twisted turns. It's been several weeks now and it seems hardly a day goes by when there isn't something happening around my Mom's health. My brother is fighting with my sister and I over the tiniest little things. My sister and I are getting along great. Maybe my brother isn't handling the stress either so he's quick to anger. You can't even ask him a simple question and he loses it. He won't even talk with me on the phone. We had a huge falling out last summer and we finally had to agree to just forget about it and move on. We never resolved the situation, neither of us budged. We both think each of us are right. Ever since then, he's afraid of me. He's not used to dealing with me since my BP surfaced. He doesn't live near the rest of the family, which has gotten used to my neverending mood swings and has learned to go with the flow. I don't fight with any of them. But my brother has been very hands off in my life in the last few years so he's not used to me with mental illnesses. So now he avoids me in order to keep the peace between us.

In addition to my Mom, I'm lonely, *really* lonely. I don't have a man in my life. I want one. I want to be loved. I can't seem to let that idea go. I wish I could cuz it keeps my in a depressed cycle. I HATE being depressed. I'm tired of being depressed. Sometimes it even gets really scary. I'm scared some day I might just give up all together. I can see it very much happening. Maybe not today, tomorrow, next week, or next month but then again maybe it will be. I just get so tired of not being loved the way I want and need to be loved. How do I accept a life without that? What is the point with a life without someone who loves you? I have so much love to give to someone but nobody to give it to. I'm just so tired of it all. I'm tired of wanting someone to love me when I know it's not going to happen. Who would even want me and all my BP crap anyway. Nobody wants that. And then there's all the traumas I've endured in my life and the impact they have on me and my actions. Who would want to buy into such a pandora's box. I'm damaged goods. I'm not easy. I'm always going to be alone. Nobody could ever want me and all the crap that comes with me. DAMN!!! I wish I could be normal. Maybe then somebody would love me but not the way I am now.

I'm too broken and so is my heart,
forever broken,
forever alone,
forever lonely,
forever unloved,
forever depressed,
forever without any hope.

Life sucks and then you die alone and lonely with no one to love.