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Originally Posted by Christine520
My husband and I have been married 11years, together 18 and we have 3kids. My husband watches internet porn(only girl on girl) when I am not home and then tries to hide it from me which I ofter find after lots of searching on his laptop. I feel like I can't trust him and I don't understand why he does this? I told him I would be okay with it if we watched it together or if he told me when he did it but he still feels the need to hide it from me and often lie about it when confronted. Is it okay for men to look at porn and masterbate when their wife is not home? I feel sick everytime I think about him doing this while I am at work, is this something I should end my marriage over? If he lies about this what eles is he lying about?
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You have the right to have your own preferences and wishes. As does your husband. You two also get to negotiate out what works for both of you.
Some options:
- you don't understand his internet porn use - you could ask him more about it to learn, you could talk with a therapist and get their ideas, you can read up on cybersex (I've even found books on the subject at my public library, you can also find some through Amazon or local bookstore such as Cybersex exposed and Tangled in the Web), you can learn more and make your own decisions based on your values
- you feel you can't trust him - do all of the above, definitely talk with him, maybe even get couples counseling
- maybe you find yourself worrying too much about what he might be doing and what it might mean - you can get counseling, find other things to do, work on agreements with your husband
I personally don't think there is anything wrong with you being concerned about this, you get to have your own emotions and concerns. I also don't think there is necessarily automatically wrong with what your husband is doing. The challenge looks to be to figure out something that works for both of you.
You worrying about this, you feeling more mistrustful, he possibly feeling more furtive and defensive = tension and conflict. Communication can help. Getting couples counseling can help with communication.
He may or may not be addicted to internet porn activities. If he is, just like dealing with someone addicted to a substance, you feeling upset and stressed about this won't help either of you.
Ultimately if you don't like something, you don't like it. You then might decide that this is really important to you, even a deal breaker, or something you can live with if other things change.
Me personally - I choose to not be in a relationship with a man who uses porn. My choice isn't necessarily good or bad but it is right for me.
Good luck with this, I know it is a challenge for many couples who are online.