I'm so sorry you're hurting. I've also been in a similar dark place. What really helped me was coming here to psychcentral and just letting it out. If you keep coming here, I think you'll find that you are no longer alone.

Sometimes people don't quite understand, but they still care. Sometimes people understand exactly. There is a lot of wisdom here.

You may be too depressed for this, but you may want to create new holiday traditions. Maybe there are people who can't go home for the holidays and want to share Thanksgiving with you. Another idea is to go to a place where they serve a meal to the poor and homeless and help serve.

The shorter days plus the disappointments of holidays and the ending of the year all conjoin to tear us apart. I made a calendar that doesn't stop at December. I made a circle of months to remind myself that there really isn't an end at the end of the year. January follows December. It's like being Columbus and finding out that we don't drop off the edge of the world, the world is round. The possibilities are endless.